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hung his art on my wall next to the other guy's art
I feel like the few people who have stuck around in my life do so just out of pity or something. No one wants to be the "bad guy" to end a relationship. And it's not too much skin off their nose (as my dad used to say) to write an email a few times a year. I worry that they all look down on me, judge me, think I'm a royal fuck-up. They shake their heads when I tell them how I am. Wasted potential. Waste of time. Sick of hearing about my moodswings and just wishing I would tranquilize myself with medication. Wondering why I don't DO something more with myself. And I know this is maybe paranoia or my low self-esteem, but I really do feel that most of the time, people just tolerate me. That maybe they used to enjoy having conversations, but now I'm just too weird and too crazy and have been through too much "drama" to be worth a damn. It's self-centered, because I am not so out of touch that I don't see what hell we are all going through right now. But I also feel like maybe the things I have been through have been so unique that it's almost impossible for people to relate to me anymore. That my weird experiences have made it so I don't make sense to others, and worse, I scare them. Maybe I am just really down right now. And I know that I am lonely. And that is such a horrible combination that leads down a dark path in an even darker woods. So, I do some art projects and eat good food and try to take care of myself and remind myself that moods pass. Too bad they also always seem to come back around.
9:15 PM - Wednesday, Jan. 27, 2021
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