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It's poopy.
Everything was going really well. Especially compared to lately. Pretty close to my "normal". Shouldn't have mentioned that. Should have kept my mouth shut. Why would I think things would ever be calm again? That my reality is not just care giving someone whose brain is totally fried.
We went from our old normal to our "new normal" yesterday my husband is freaking out because he's hearing "those people" again. The ones that keep debating whether or not to shoot him in the head and comment on everything he does, but only he can hear them.
And of course he's freaking out, starting to yell back at them. I honestly can't take any more psychosis. He's on a pretty high dose of meds, but he's still hearing this. He didn't for about a month, but now it's back. He says he's not doing meth, but I can't tell. He's been drinking lots of coffee, but he's been eating and sleeping, so maybe it's just stress.
It's been loud as hell here for at least a week. The drive-through drug dealers have really upped their game. There was a fist fight in their front yard today with some guy screaming, "You shorted me a point!" (Meaning his bag was point one gram short of drugs). So, it's obviously coke or meth or some other strong powdery type thing. Maybe heroin. I'm not an expert, but with their behavior, I am guessing coke. They get furniture delivered, take it inside, and later that day break it apart with a hammer in the driveway and cart it away somewhere. They must be pretty big if they are getting a sofa full of hard drugs delivered every few weeks.
So, I try to reassure my husband that he is just having PTSD from the noise, but he "can't" be convinced that someone did not follow us from Denver because he skipped out on his trial. He thinks some vigilante is out to kill him because he was accused of throwing a rock at the cops during cerfew. He has a warrant out for him in Colorado now because he didn't go to his deposition, even though the judge said he had permission to leave the state.
So, deep down he thinks some rouge cop or cop lover has tracked him here, wants to kill him or drive him mad enough that he does something illegal (like attacking someone) and possibly has our house bugged.
And this is all rational to him. He will NOT accept that he is having mental issues. He's still clinging to that one little minute possibility that this is real.
And now my life is shit again. First over a year of him hallucinating bugs coming out of his skin, now he's hearing imaginary people (or, maybe hearing the real people around here, but not accurately and he's projecting his own fears into their voices).
I probably should find a therapist of my own. I have no one anymore.And I keep losing people every few weeks.
Big K bailed on me because I sent him sunflowers.
My oldest friend bailed on me because I am bi-polar and she thinks she'll catch crazy if she's near me and she's using the virus as an excuse to dissolve our friendship. That one doesn't bother me too much, because I've been forcing myself to communicate with her out of a sense of obligation for years, but the way she went about it annoys me.
My youngest brother basically won't speak to me because I haven't put my husband in the mental ward.
For the most part, I'm alone every day taking care of a crazy person. Working my ass off trying to make a comfortable home. Never speaking to anyone else.
5:14 PM - Sunday, Nov. 08, 2020
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