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total system failure
Just logged into my bank and saw "Paid in Full" for my mortgage.
I should be really happy. And I am glad this is finally wrapping up. The stress of ownership was more than I could handle.
But I am even more miserable now than I was a few months ago.
I hate it here. I knew I'd hate it here. I am trying to give it chance, but with my husband still freaking out, still on drugs, still fucking crazy and with zero chance of him seeking medical assistance on his own, I don't see a happy future.
And now I have nowhere to go.
Someone with a $750 month check from the government doesn't have much for options in the housing market.
And what state do I go to? Back to Minnesota. I don't think so. Although I miss that place so much. I miss the woods. I miss being able to go half a mile anywhere from my house and hit some woods (even if they weren't as pristine as they used to be). And the cooler weather. It's hot as hell here in Colorado and it sucks.
And the house in Iowa that I grew up in is destroyed. The evidence of my parents' hoarding finally has shown now that the house has sat unoccupied for a few years. The main drain is cracked, all the plumbing is bad, there's mold and there are cracks in the walls and the floors that if it had been attended to when it was all a minor issue ...but that's not how it worked out.
And the cities on fire just breaks my heart. People should be angry, but seeing all these places I used to go for fun burnt to the ground is just horrific. And here in Denver people have started looting and shooting and it's just wrong.
It's pointless and stupid. It's not helping anyone change anything. I think it's just making things worse.
And cops tear gassing peaceful protesters...that's so wrong. The militarization of those who are supposed to be protecting the peace has gotten out of control. They tear gassed here on night one, when all people were doing was marching. A preventive measure to keep it from getting like the cities, but not justified.
And I should be so happy, but I am so completely down. I felt so suicidal I tried to get into a crisis clinic and got turned away. The system has failed me in every single way possible, except that finally, finally, they helped me with income from disability.
Because believe you me, I am so not well.
4:30 PM - Sunday, May. 31, 2020
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