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un-squirrel
My husband's mental disease stole my vacation. It's not his fault, but I am worn down past the point of being able to cope. If I have to call 911 and see the cops drag him downtown to the mental ward, I honestly don't know...I don't know if I can even do that.
I have to threaten that to even get him to calm down enough to listen to me that his reality is not real. Bugs are NOT coming out of his lips, out of his arms. They are NOT raining down from the ceiling, not jumping off him constantly and breeding all over the house. It's been months now, and I haven't seen one single bug. I tried to give in to the possibility, and my mind has been fucked over so much, I still doubt that this house isn't infested...but I am just not seeing bugs. He is such a king psycho mind control expert that I doubt my own senses. I want there to be bugs, that means he's not crazy.
I am seeing cigarette tobacco and laundry lint and cat hair and spiderwebs and dust. I have looked at all this under a magnifying glass. I have examined his face, his arms when he says that bugs are coming out of him RIGHT NOW. I don't see anything, except all the wounds he's put on himself from taking 4 hour showers (literally) trying to scrape the bugs off. Our water bill was over $100 this month.
There was a squirrel wounded by the psycho neighbor and it crawled into our yard to die slowly all day. I found it and kept going out to try to help, but I didn't have the strength to commit a mercy killing and it wouldn't let me get near enough to get it to a vet. Anyway, I didn't have a car, so that wasn't much of an option. So all day I watched it slowly die, freaking out, keeping cats away from it, and then it died, and I wanted to kill that motherfucker that shot it with a BB (I still do) and I was so angry at myself because I couldn't do what really needed to be done.
I can't do what needs to be done.
If there is a god, he really sucks. Why would any creator make someone sick like this? What's the point, except to watch them suffer. Fuck you, you asshole.
4:29 PM - Thursday, Feb. 27, 2020
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