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on a dime
I stand there on the street listening to gross things like radioactive sinus infections and the visiting of children and I am able to tune it all out, somehow. Maybe because he has really beautiful green eyes and when I do the "INFJ stare" he matches me for it blink for blink, which is really rare.
I don't know how people go about their lives not at the mercy of their emotions. I wish I could not feel a thing. I know that hyper-sensitivity is my biggest weakness. I have very little logic in my brain, it's all feeling. "You're all heart" isn't really a compliment. It's a curse. I see deja vu patterns happening. I watch them happening, letting them happen, knowing I could stop them, but not really wanting to, so I don't.
I feel really foolish. But happy. But foolishly happy. And it's fleeting and it's at the expense of others and that tarnishes everything. I am once again the asshole for wanting something nice for myself.
I ran into an old co-worker today as well. She was one of the only people that was genuinely kind to me at the hotel. I think I really scared her. I ran into someone from the hotel at the grocery store a few weeks back and I think I scared her too. I probably look a lot different now that I'm not working. Not that my life is going great, but at least I don't have to deal with that too. I don't know why I always get the impression that people are scared of me. I am just a scary crazy-eye sort of person, I guess. Maybe it's just the trench coat and cat ear hat.
Why is it that women will go after any man they want, whether that man is "taken" or not, even if it comes to downright cat fights. But men have this sense of ownership. I've heard it called "the code". That it's the lowest of the low to get involved with another man's woman. I don't know if this is how things are everywhere, or if it's just a stupid backwards midwest thing, but it's just weird, from a sociological point of view. And I know it's not always this way, but pretty much the exceptions prove the rule.
Does this denote a strong inherent difference between men and women, or it is all purely societal programming? Who can tell. Maybe I think too much about the wrong things. I have my wires crossed. I drink too much coffee and fall in love too easily. Probably because when it comes down to it, I am not truly capable of that emotion.
6:32 PM - Wednesday, Feb. 05, 2020
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