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superheroes
I can't even read others' entries anymore. They say how down, depressed, sad they are, but they are out doing a million things, interacting with people every day, making art, cooking food. Existing. I don't exist. I wonder how they can be so down, depressed, sad and do so much. I wonder if they even know what depression is. Everyone gets depressed, but I don't think most people can comprehend how low one gets when they are at the bottom of the curve on the bipolar roller coaster of emotions. It's not a contest, but really...I don't think most people know how dark things can get for those of us with a "mood disorder".
I don't feel like I can even maintain my basic necessities lately. I have gone past the point of not being able to deal with the stress into some murky grey water area where every day is exactly the same. It sucks. It's farcically awful. Cringe-worthy. But I have to just power through. None of this positive affirmation life is what you make it lemonade in the sunshine bullshit, OK? I can't calm down. And no, no it's NOT going to be OK. Sometimes you have to accept that things are not ok, so it's ok.
Big K called me and my husband "superheroes". He was concerned when texts weren't answered for a few days and (like I tend to do), immediately started worrying that we were dead. We're not dead, just dying, thanks. But he then said, "You guys are superheroes, you don't die."
I don't really fully understand what he's talking about most of the time, but if you hold that up and look at it, it appears to me like a really nicely weird thing to say. Perhaps totally and completely bullshit, but nice all the same.
7:19 PM - Monday, Jan. 27, 2020
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