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perceptions v2.0
Everything else aside, it's been about six months since I've had any booze. I don't know the exact date.
Just like I never made headstones for my guinea pigs' graves, because I knew I'd be out there every day, I don't have the exact date of my last drink in my mind. Because it doesn't help me. It makes things worse. It just has to be something I don't do. I either do something, or I don't. There can't be this big event marking some big occasion, because I will OCD about it and bad things will happen.
And I get shit for it. I can't say it's been XX months, XX days, and XX seconds since my last intake of alcohol, and so the professionals usually think I'm lying. That I'm just saying I'm sober, but I'm not. And I get it, because so many times I said. "I'm sober, I'm in recovery..." but I had just not had a drink for a few days. I always intended to stop, but you know, that's where the addiction comes in.
Whenever I would say, this is it, this is "day one" and I'd check the days off in my mind and get the gold star rewards, I would get to a certain point and flip out. Just think...it's been longer than ever, I can't do this, and go to the liquor store... OR, I would think, it's been longer than ever, I obviously can handle having some now.
My husband got on my back the other day because when I get stressed out I often say, "I want to get drunk." And it's true. I do. I used alcohol to relieve anxiety, stress. To the point where I was unconscious, and I had no choice to ignore everything. It was never a social thing for me. I have never gone to a bar and ordered a drink. It was always a way to feel better, at home. It was a great excuse to draw all the curtains, listen to music all day, binge watch TV shows, and pass out on the floor because that's what I wanted to do anyway, but with alcohol, I didn't have a choice.
So yeah, I want a drink. But I'm not having one. And I wish I could vocalize my fleeting feelings in this house without getting it crammed back down my throat and made to feel like I either shouldn't be feeling them or feel like I can feel whatever I want as long as I keep my mouth shut.
The main reason I'm not drinking isn't for me. It's for my husband. Which, really, is for me. I have never gotten so drunk I got locked in the mental ward. I don't have a psychotic disorder (according to my therapist, anyway). And I think I agree. Anyone can have moments of psychosis, but that's different than having a psychotic disorder. I can't handle having to take care of my husband when he's drunk. And no matter what he says, he needs taking care of, because he sure as shit can't take care of himself.
My therapist is always commenting that my husband would probably be dead or in jail if it wasn't for me. And I know that's true. I know that would be an embarrassing and difficult fact to accept about oneself, but it's the truth. If I hadn't been taking care of my husband for 25 years, he would be dead or in jail (or the mental ward).
I don't know if I lived alone if I would still be a drunk. If I look at my family, I would guess I probably would still be drinking. Losing a husband, getting depressed, having the genetic inevitability of alcohol abuse in my blood...there wouldn't be much reason NOT to drink.
There is enough against me, against my husband, against our relationship that I don't need to add yet another variable to the equation.
I get angry because countless times I was literally down on my knees begging and crying for my husband to quit drinking with me. To please, please please stop bringing it home, because if it was in the house, I'd drink it. To please look at me and give a shit about me enough to be strong enough to put me and put our relationship first. But, he never did. He always gave in first, brought it home, and that was that. He's weak and I am angry at how weak he is. I am really really really sick of ALWAYS having to be the strong one. The one who does the right thing. The one who takes care of, when NO ONE takes care of me.
But shit, there are some things in life you can't change. There are some aspects of a person that makes up their personality, and either they can't change, or they won't. And in the end, it doesn't matter, the end result is the same.
I envy people that can be creative on booze. Because I can't. I can't do a damn thing except drink more and maybe get violent. The angrier I got about life, the more violent I became. I could have killed someone. I keep that in mind. I. could. have. killed. someone.
None of this psychobabble owning your shadow bullshit. When you are nothing but a walking shadow, when you are wearing your shadow like a business suit, when the good part of you is nothing but lint in the pocket of that suit, you need to stop what you are doing.
And I did nothing of value. Creatively or not.
My therapist is always reminding me that I'm so strong, resilient, and I should be commended on how great of a job I'm doing. He is great cheerleader, but I honestly don't think he realizes how hard things really are right now, how hard they have been, and fuck yeah I should be commended, because I see people with a lot less issues doing a lot worse than me.
And I feel that little addict in my head kicking the side of my brain. Anxious, bored, scared...thinking that I could this or that INSTEAD of drinking. That I could still get a buzz and feel good and get wrapped in that temporary happiness and that would help. It would really really help. For now. And what else is there. And what does it really matter? We are all fucked anyway. There's no future. I should go grab whatever joy I can find now. Right now. No matter how artificial it may seem later, because now, right now, you could be what passes for happy. Doesn't everyone want to be happy?
Doesn't everyone want to be happy? No one is happy. Not a single person. Get over happy. Happy is what's holding you back. Just do the work, make it through the day. Blink and breathe and do some good.
The sun rises, the sun sets, but it's all the same day. You think you know, don't you, but you don't know shit.
12:14 PM - Saturday, Jan. 11, 2020
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