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joy by proxy
Everyday, faced with a million and one hateful, depressing, painful, horrible things. It seems each day a new torture gets added on. And I have to add that to the weight that I already have to drag along with me.
But I am supposed to focus on the one little thing each day that could always be worse. Not happy, just not quite so bad. And that is supposed to sustain me and keep me going one more day to breathe and blink and do it all over again and again.
Enough is enough. There is no future. Things are not going to get better. The tide has turned and time is up and I can't slap a plastic smile on my face and keep going anymore.
I put too much of myself into everything. Too much, all the time, every situation. I am always trying to make everyone laugh and forget about the weight around their own ankles, but I don't get any relief. Just adding their weight on my own, because I can. And they can't. They never can. And I always have to.
Always giving away more than I should, because those few moments of seeing someone's eyes light up like it's a birthday are the only happiness that I seem to get anymore.
I just can't do it anymore seems to be my mantra. But I keep on anyway. Until the moment that I don't. And no one will notice or even care. Just disappear. Non-existence. Nothing. No, less than nothing. What would be the word for that?
6:52 PM - Wednesday, Jan. 08, 2020
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