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however you say it
We are heading into winter. Have had to turn the heat on the past few days, as the temperature has gotten into the 30s at night. I was so cold last night, I had 5 blankets on the bed and I was still shivering. Not having a vent in the bedroom really sucks.
I have grown to HATE this house. It's a bipolar crazy psycho house. It's like that house in the movie 'Psycho'. My house isn't on a hill, it's on the floodplain, but it instills in me that deep sense of unease they tried to show everytime they would pan up to that house down from the hotel. That feeling that you know there's something not quite right inside that house.
This house is a duplex, and I have to pretend it's not. Upstairs is my art studio, and it's bright colors, hardwood floors. I've collected some of my most sentimental happy items in there. It's hypomanic happy time. Downstairs is my kitchen, main bathroom, bedroom. It's got disgusting carpet, the walls are all shades and sheens of white left over from when it was a ghetto apartment, I hate the sinks, the tub, the cheap ass white linoleum. It's set up weird. It's dark dank depression. It's god awful.
I am leaving here in the spring. I can't let myself stay here any longer. We have plans to fix this place up a little over the winter, and put it on the market in the spring, but I honestly do not think those plans are going to happen. I can't do handyman shit alone. I am really truly bad at it. I can help, though. But, there has to be someone to help. I am not going to let myself die here.
I am not looking forward to this winter. I think it's going to be very difficult. Last winter every road out of town was snowed in for several days. It was only a few days, but it was terrifying. My car sat in the driveway for weeks, because I couldn't shovel the mound of snow at the end of the driveway from the street plows. I almost hired someone to dig me out. I am going to be stuck here for months, trying to make things happen, trying to make plans for a future that I don't think is going to manifest. I am going to waste even more of my precious time on shit. Just shit. And I'm going to be stuck in it. Nowhere to go. Not even able to go for a walk.
"You were the fool, and I feel sorry for you..." those lines from the Ween song get stuck in my head all the time now. The way he sings it. It rips your heart out.
I feel like I am constantly carrying around a dead body on my back. My back always hurts. I am just carrying around this person that has no future, wants no future, and is intent on dragging me down to the grave with him.
I've got no good options. All my options are bad. My only options are negative. There is nothing good that will come of any of this.
11:31 PM - Sunday, Oct. 06, 2019
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