too much information

So if I gave a shit about anyone, I'd put a disclaimer here. But I don't, so I do what I want here. It's my space to get it out. If you don't like it, get out now.

I started taking birth control pills when I was a teenager. 17 or 18 years old. 18, I think. I was on them for about 2 years. I hated taking a pill every day so then I tried that shot thing. That really fucked me up. I mean, it was brutal. It made me psychotic. Constant yeast infections. Paranoia. Hysteria. And I got so run down I had the worst URI in my life. I thought I was going to die. And there was nothing I could do, because that shot was in my system and it was supposed to last for three months. I think it took almost a year and a half to get out of my system.

Then I went back on the pill. I was on it for about a year, and it started to make me feel weird. Again.

I had wanted to get sterilized and no doctor would do it for me. They all said I was too young, and I would change my mind, and it wouldn't be ethical. Several doctors in several states gave me that same song and dance so I just stopped asking.

I have put up with too much for too long.

Vasectomy was never covered under my husbands health plans. Not a one of them. How fucked up is that?

So in 1999 I started natural family planning. Taking my temperature every morning. Checking my mucous every time I used the toilet. For 11 years that is what I used to not get pregnant. As an alternative, my husband and I used condoms on fertile days. Never had an unwanted pregnancy. Had one broken condom. Used the “plan B” drug once.

But in the 2000s, when my husband started taking anti-psychotics and I started working, things changed. His drugs were causing bad side effects and it was easier for us to be on his schedule than for him to be on mine. Or, that's what I thought at the time.

Also, my cycles are not normal. I long cycle, short cycle, bleed when I ovulate, etc... I'm not a 28 day cycle kind of cunt. It was hard work to do natural family planning when you're a freak like me.

But I figured it out. And it was empowering. The one thing this society doesn't want is a woman who knows her own body. Takes control. Doesn't have a baby if she doesn't want, and even worse, doesn't rely on drugs to do it. Drugs that suppress nature and make you sick.

When working a labor job, it's convenient to have a short 3 day period. Even though I knew it wasn't a real period. When you are on birth control pills, you may bleed and get irritable and may think you are having a period, but you are not. What is happening to you is that you are going through withdrawals from the drug. The reason they tell women to skip that week of pills, is to give them some kind of reassurance that they are not pregnant. Also, they thought the Christians would be more accepting of the pill as a form of birth control if there was that false period in there. It makes no sense to me, but Christianity makes no sense to me at all.

Some women just take the drug straight through. They don't skip a week every month, and they don't get their (false) period and they go on living as if they were men.

Yeah yeah, some women never bleed. But most do.

I can list lots of reasons why I went back on the pill, but truthfully, I don't know why I did any of the things I did back then. Between 2006 and 2008 I totally lost it. Got married. Bought a house. Started working a job I hate. Went back on the pill. None of it makes sense. None of it should have happened. But there it is. It did happen. I can't truly reason out why.

So, back to current time. 2017. Been on the pill for 9 years. Longest time ever. I've had some bad side effects for years, but I kept telling myself it was worth it.

Kind of like I keep telling myself it's worth going to a job I fucking hate week after week. Only difference is, I'm ready to quit lying to myself about these drugs.

There a lot of things they didn't tell me about these pills. I don't feel like I ever got full disclosure about the dangers.

No one ever told me that birth control pills could decrease your seratonin. They casually mentioned that if I was prone to depression, then it may make it worse. And less than one year after starting birth control pills, I was then put on Zoloft. I see the connection now. And I am really really pissed off.

Recently I was told I had high blood pressure and I was supposed to report to a doctor and get pills for that. Well, at my age, birth control pills can cause high blood pressure. Not to mention heart attacks, strokes, and blood clots.

I've had two UTIs in about six months. Never had them before. Not a single one. The pill can dry you out, making it much easier to get infections. Not to mention making sex uncomfortable. Let alone day to day existence. “It's like the Sahara down there.” I shouldn't have to deal with this until menopause.

There's “no conclusive evidence” that birth control pills will make you gain weight. That's just the industry's way of not being responsible. My breasts are huge and I'm fat and I get zits every month. I get more zits now than when I was a teenager. What kind of 40 year old has to deal with zits? One that's on birth control pills, I guess.

And finally, these little blue fuckers have made it really hard for me to climax. That's just the final straw.

Well, actually, they also crush my sex drive. I guess these work by making you so fat and spotty that no one wants to fuck you, and then it makes you not want to fuck anyone else, either.

So I'm done with the drugs. All drugs. All “medications” anyway. I'm going back to the ova-thermo method of natural family planning. Using condoms as a back up on fertile days.

Ordered condoms off a website, and holy crap, things have changed since 1999. Vegan condoms, and pages of brands I've never heard of. And a synthetic latex condom that wasn't even invented until 2008. Looking at all those was like shangri-la. Seriously. Kid in a candy store. Modern life is wild.

I've only got about ten years of cycling left before I go through menopause. Maybe even less time. I need to let my body do what it needs to do before “the change”. I need to have a few years of normal periods and normal hormone balance before I have to go through all that.

And I just can't take the side effects anymore.

Now that I'm old, they asked if I wanted to get sterilized. I even had two consolations with two different doctors. Truth is, I don't trust them. One doctor was obviously a pharmaceutical company's bitch, and the other was obviously on opioids. He kept poking himself in the eye, mumbling, and asking me about 17 times what day it was. They both casually wrote off how it's a “blind incision” into my abdomen. They might hit a major organ. Oh well. Whoopsie. It can't be helped. Oh, and yeah, since you've never had surgery, you could die from the anesthetic. They just can't know until they give it to you.

Living in the town that's home to the Mayo Clinic has made me really scared of doctors and surgery. Even more than I was originally. I know so many people here who got fucked over by surgery or drugs or just plain bad doctors and they ended up mutilated or so sick they just killed themselves.

I desperately don't want a kid, but I don't want to end up another victim of the Mayo Clinic, either. You see them lurching all over town. It's like a horror movie here.

I looked into “non surgical” sterilization options, and almost did it. Signed the release papers and everything. Then at the last moment I realized all the testimony I'd been given about the procedure was propaganda from the pharma company that made the tubes. Thank goodness I didn't go through with it because that procedure has butchered so many women. It even made the news. Big lawsuits. Scary.

Desperation can cause people to do horrible things.

The drug they gave me for that procedure was Valium. I took it anyway, since I already had it. Let me tell you something. It did NOTHING at all. For having a tube shoved up my vagina, past my cervix, and into my fallopian tubes while awake, that little nothing pill would have done nothing, and I would have been screaming at the top of my lungs. Torture. Plain and simple.

And speaking of plain and simple, I truly believe that's what life could be like. All the shit I've been through, I'm looking forward to getting to know myself again.

Having everyone tell me it can't be done. That I need their drugs. I need “treatment”. I need to “get help”.

Fuck you all.

This society is so scared of women who are intelligent enough to get in touch with what nature gave them and take control of their lives.

Humans are the only creature that has a lunar cycle. If you believe in God, you could say God made us this way for a reason. It's obvious when a woman is fertile, and when she is not. You just have to be patient to learn it for yourself. To trust yourself when everyone around you is screaming you can't is a hard thing to do.

I think a lot of women would mess up and get pregnant right away. Few are dedicated enough to learn. No one is patient about anything. And you have to be both dedicated and patient. And you can't be an idiot. There are a lot of idiots out there.

It's so easy to pop a pill each day. Americans love their drugs. We brush off the side effects as being “worth it”. We take more pills to combat the side effects of the original pills. We fuck ourselves over and diverge ourselves from nature so we can be big pharma's little slave.

My recent experiences with the head shrinker made me finally look at what I've been doing to myself with the birth control pills. It really fucked me up. Sitting there, being told I don't fit into their DSM boxes. Being told I need to do this and that and just feeling like a cow being led through the gates to the slaughter.

I'm not a cow. Not a cash cow. Not a fucking slave. I'm not an animal, I'm a human being.

Or, so it seems.

11:05 AM - Tuesday, Aug. 15, 2017


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