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saturn grass
Definitely feeling the intensity of this supermoon full lunar eclipse that's coming up. Saturn goes retrograde today and today is the day I get an email from K. Also in the shadow phase of mercury retrograde.
I had to make the hard decision to turn in the garden. I just can't take care of it. It's been neglected for many years now, people have come and taken plants out of it. It's mostly grass. Really tall grass. Grass that is stressing me out everytime I see it. It's so loud that it makes wooshing sounds when it's windy.
I have been trying my best, but I have to admit my limits. I just am not able to take care of a neglected garden. I am very sensitive to sun and heat, I am overweight, I can sometimes have troubles with my ankles, my knees, my hands (thanks shit job). And I can't do this. I did pretty good clearing up the little gardens around the house, in the corners of the yard. But this huge garden takes up most of the back yard and I can't take care of it.
I am going to dig up the few plants I can still see are there. Some roses, some lilies. Find homes for them elsewhere in the yard. But my brother said he'd pay to have the professionals come in here, till everything up, pull up the giant trees, fill it, seed it. I just have to sort it out.
I would love to have the energy to put toward the garden, but I don't. I talked my brother out of turning in the garden about this time last year. But I guess I didn't realize how few plants were left. I am still running on PTSD and am worried about the city coming in here if we can't get the garden under control soon. Probably just being paranoid, since people here seem to just ignore everything and it's a free for all. Except it's me I'm dealing with. It seems in situations like this, everyone gets to do whatever they want, except me.
I feel OK about this decision. I need to not be having this responsibility hanging over me anymore. I will save what I can and that will have to be good enough. I have planted lots of bushes and trees, I hope that will level the karma a little.
I definitely feel my age lately. I see there's not a much time ahead of me as I'd like. I have to narrow my focus. Don't have time to waste on fantasy self responsibilities. I am trying to wrap up things involving this inherited work and get back to things I am supposed to be doing. Things I enjoy and that make me happy.
And as far as K goes. It's nice he's not ghosting me, but I am not so stupid that I am not going to see the timing of this. I'll just be quiet for awhile. I'm not very good at that. But I will try. After that weird dream I had I sent out some good energy toward him, but I really wasn't expecting to ever hear from him again. Glad he's not dead.
7:31 PM - Sunday, May. 23, 2021
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