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roadship
My agoraphobia is making my life unbearable.
It's so difficult to leave the house.
But I don't feel safe or secure at home, either.
(I realize now how hard my parents worked to keep their home a safe, secure place. Even now, being there feels like a relief compared to being here, which is saying so much.)
I am envious of how easily my husband steps outside and goes out into the world.
It used to just be crowed public places that bothered me, but now it's anywhere OUTSIDE. Which really sucks because I used to like to go hiking into the woods. Now, I never know when it's just going to be too much.
And I am sad that he hardly ever decides to stay home with me.
I know I'm boring and I've been really sick, but this just sucks. I am so fucking lonely.
He's out buying a bike. All his life he's said schizo things like "I don't like bikes. I don't like wheels. I have feet. That's enough." And today he's out getting a bike. It totally freaked me out.
The first thought that went through my mind was, "Oh, he must have a new girlfriend on the other side of town."
What bullshit. I'm fucking shell shocked.
I'm going to the store to buy some sort of decongestant. I never take OTCs. I'm desperate. I just want to feel better but this sinus infection is kicking my ass. Hope I don't freak while I'm out there because I'm pretty much freaking inside already.
3:16 PM - Saturday, Sept. 22, 2018
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