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reverse soul mortgage
I have no memory of Friday. I worked. I was supposed to work last weekend but I played hookie. My husband told me to tell my job I was too depressed to work. I didn't say that, but it wouldn't have been a lie. I could barely get out of bed that weekend. It was too soon after the deaths to go back to that place.
But I worked this weekend. I say that I live “flipside” because I live backwards from most people. I work on the weekends and have most of the week off. It's been like this most of my life. I have my flipside workweek, which isn't really a week, and my flipside weekend, which is usually four days or so.
Saturday on the way to work there was some guy freaking out on the corner of 4th street and 3rd avenue. Right next to those yuppie condos they finally finished on the corner. I crossed the street so I wouldn't get attacked. He was screaming and throwing his arms around. He was Somalian and it was difficult to understand what he was saying through his accent, but I think the gist of it was he felt prejudiced against.
That day at work I got treated like less than shit by a family of crazy rich people. I've never been treated so badly by a guest in the entire decade I've worked there. They were pushing me around and yelling at me and then they did something so disgusting I can't believe it was real. There was a huge pile of gummy candy on the floor and the entire family of 8 had been walking in it, crushing it into the carpet. Some in shoes, some in bare feet. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick it up while they were all still walking through it and almost stepping on my hands. Then one of the ladies hands me a paper cup and tells me to put the candy in it. She then takes the candy that has been stepped on and feeds it to the little girl! There was little stickers and other debris in there with the candy too. I had to get the fuck out of there before I started yelling at them and got fired.
Then they had the nerve to complain about me and there was a report written up. I didn't get in trouble, because I did nothing wrong, and these people were just crazy, but it was so draining.
Sunday I almost walked out and never came back. They have new management and all sorts of new changes and people are dropping like flies. We are extremely short staffed and I just couldn't do my share of the workload. I was cleaning a shower and I just flipped out. A total deja vu moment. I don't want to end up cleaning that same shower for another ten years! I've already cleaned it hundreds of times and I just can't do it anymore.
The last time I got drunk, my husband said I kept repeating the phrase “I can't do this anymore” over and over. I have no memory of this, but I am sure it is true. He asked me what it was I couldn't do and how could he help me, but honestly, there are so many things in my life that I feel I can't do anymore that I could have been talking about any of them.
The one thing that I am taking from all this loss lately is that there is never enough time. And I can't afford to waste any of the little bit of time I have left. I have to do the things I have always wanted to do before it's too late. And I have to stop doing those things I can no longer do, but somehow force myself to do anyway.
7:28 PM - Monday, Feb. 26, 2018
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