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my neighbor is raising hell hounds
I made about $25 too much and the govt took away our food stamps. I am supposed to have a fixed rate mortgage but they raised it $50 a month. Too rich for food stamps, too poor for a house. Went from an income of about $33,000 a year when my husband was working, to less than $14,000 now that he is disabled and I have to work outside the home. No one ever says "I want to be a housekeeper when I grow up." Yeah, I think I'd rather be a junkie. More fun. Better stories.
Most days I look around and I see we have a lot. But technology is moving so fast, and everyone I know has a smart phone and a this and a that. I feel like a dinosaur. I think my parents even have more up to date shit than we do.
My phone is a prepaid net10 phone. Just a phone with text. I don't have a car and I don't fucking want one, either. I have two legs that work. Lucky me. I'm going to use them.
Our DVD/ VCR is also our CD player, but it can not play DVDs. The VCR side only plays tapes it seems to like, which isn't many. If we were to get a new combo player, we would have to also buy a new TV, because the cables are all digital now, and our TV is not compatible with the new shit.
So�We sit on the floor to watch DVDs from the drive in my computer. The computer we got from a friend for $125. Couldn't tell you much about it except it's so old, it can not stream anything. We don't have a couch.
In fact the only furniture we have is an office chair (a very expensive captains chair), a stool (got free from an old job), 3 dining chairs (given to us from old friends) and a desk chair for my art studio (bought on clearance cuz it was dinged up). We also have a queen bed, that we bought a few years back when we had a fistful or two of cash from a 401K. Before we got the bed, we slept on a broken futon. Before that, the floor, before that, a twin sized mattress we got for free from an abandoned trailer. We are just too old to sleep on the floor and too fat for a twin mattress now.
We do, however, have 2 computers, 4 guitar amps, bass amp and cab, 2 basses, 4 guitars, about 30 keyboards, over a dozen circuit bent instruments, a couple of synths, a few reel to reels, two organs, hundreds of paintings,�a GED and a give em hell attitude?
Actually, I have a HS diploma. Lot of good it did me. I now have a job where you not only do NOT need a GED, let alone a diploma, but you do not have to speak one word of English. Fuck, I should have dropped out when I wanted to in 9th grade.
Someone left behind a quarter bottle of scotch today, and I can't help but think to myself
Why is this put in my path? Am I just supposed to fucking give up and be a drunk who loses their home and spouse and sanity and health like ***everyone else*** in my family? Or, am I supposed to just say NO and prove to myself that I am stronger than not only every single one of my ancestors, but stronger than the cumulative faulty genetics they gave to me?
The second step in AA is something about a higher power. Well, as much I would like support in my decision to quit drinking, I can't go to AA, because I can't give in to that higher power bullshit. The last thing I need right now is to join a cult anyway.
Do I believe in god? I believe in myself.
Happy Autumnal Equinox. No better day than to start again. Because we all know that really, it's all the same fucking day.
Wake up.
Start again.
And face that duality in yourself that makes each and every moment such a stupid little exercise in utter futility.
Life is a cosmic joke.
And you are the punchline.
7:08 PM - Saturday, Sept. 22, 2012
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