----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What ifs snowball, a snowballs chance in hell, hell is other people My brother took me around town to do some errands a few days ago and it sucked. It really sucked. Not only was it 90+ degrees out and his car has no AC, he felt like crap and I was extremely overwhelmed and I couldn't shut up. My voice was even annoying me. And then there was an incident at a 3 way stop in a parking lot that really set me off. People need to chill the fuck out about having to wait 30 seconds for traffic to do its thing. I mean really, it's scary out there. Everyone's fuse is blown and it's just a matter of time before they finally explode. I tried to tell him how well all the plants in the yard were doing, but he couldn't care less. He doesn't really care what I do to this place as long as I'm not trashing it. Which, I wouldn't do. So I guess I will just do what I want, pick whatever colors I want for the walls, pick whatever tile I want, put plants wherever I want and he can just deal with it later. He took me to a local health food store, which has been here forever, but it changes ownership a lot. I don't think it's a co-op, just a store, but it reminds me a lot of how the old Good Food Store co-op used to be in Roch before it got bought out and became People's co-op and moved downtown. It actually really freaked me out how similar it was to old GFS. There was even a lady that was working there that could have been the doppelganger of the old bitch at GFS, except this lady was brunette. She had the same face, the same Roch scowl, the same bitchy attitude. It shook me up. Being there made me very uneasy. Too much deja-vu going on. I felt like I was in some alternate reality, and not in a good way. Usually we just order most of our food from Whole Foods about twice a month but my brother had to go to the local place to get vitamins so I went. I hear Whole Foods and Amazon.com are the devil but I don't have a car so I just tell myself it's all a wash. It's still weird for me to have someone else do my shopping, but it is really nice to have them just bring it to my door. This town is too big. It's dirty and annoying and I don't know where I am going. I have barely been out of our neighborhood. I have barely been off the property, really, since we got here. And I'm thinking that is a good thing. This place never felt like home when I was growing up. And it still doesn't. This house is familiar, and I am thankful to not be out on the street, but there is not any sense of belonging or community here. Maybe things will change. Maybe if they do open a vegan shop nearby I might meet some friends. Maybe I will make an effort to go out and do something this summer. Maybe hell will freeze over. I don't really feel bad not shopping locally. Because I don't like it here. Being out just reinforced my feeling of a lack of community, a sense of loss, and a strong desire to get altered and fall down. I keep wondering how everyone is doing back in Roch. How the town is progressing, and I wonder about our old house. But they say depression is caused by living in the past, and obviously they are right. I have a weird new fantasy where I come into a lot of money somehow (like, the lottery?) and I get a house back in Roch, in a better part of town, or even some land just outside town. First of all, I don't gamble, so that's not possible. Secondly, WTF? I have a real issue with not being able to let things go. And I keep wondering what if about a lot of things. What if I had simply said, "I love you too" instead of standing with my mouth open like someone had just hit me in the back of the head with a shovel? Or said it back any of the other two dozen times it was presented in text form. Or what if I just did things that I thought would be good for me instead of always putting everyone else's needs before my own. I have to have tele-health with the new shrink tomorrow. Not looking forward to it. No. I was manic so I was going to say that I was less depressed and all that, but now it's just going to be another lie. I was up above it, now I'm down in it. Pretty Hate Machine is 33 years old. We're all getting up there. I asked my brother if he ever went to a doctor about being on the Autism spectrum and it made him really uncomfortable. I hate that feeling when people act like what I am saying is completely inappropriate and what's wrong with me. I think I'm too honest, or is it that I have very little sense of shame, or that other people are just way too uptight over every little thing. He's got about much ability to show emotion as Mr. Data on Star Trek, so it's not really any surprise to me. I've been accused of being "despondent" and having a "blank stare" though, so I'm not going to point fingers. I honestly was hoping we could have a discussion about it because I'm considering trying to get a doctor to evaluate me and see if that's another diagnosis for me. I'm pretty sure the answer would be yes. Well my brother said that yes, he is pretty sure he has Autism but he doesn't want to get an official diagnosis because he thinks he will get fired from him job. I see his point. He's probably right. How fucked up is that? 5:23 PM - Wednesday, May. 11, 2022 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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