----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- forever sleeping with a teddy bear and a tazer I don't know how I can be shocked anymore. But, I guess deep down under all the cynicism, I'm still a hopeful idealist. I find it terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. That the supreme court is poised to overturn the right to have an abortion. The right-wing conservative christian female politicians that say things like, "it's a win for god and all unborn children in the country" scare me. Really scare me. I guess women will have to see the babies to term and then eat them, because they sure as hell won't be able to afford food any other way with the way inflation is going. I regret giving away my old teddy bears, and some of my stuffed animals in general. When I had to go through all this stuff in the house I really rage purged a lot of it. I had the thought that "What does a 40+ year old woman need stuffed animals for?" I guess I thought I needed to force myself to grow up. And it was also mixed in with having to clear out most of a room full of stuffed animals that my mom had collected. I was mad on a lot of levels. But, yeah, OK, I could use a teddy bear. I kept a rabbit and a hedgehog and my complete set of Woodsey Fisher Price village play set of squirrels because they are just awesome. You can look them up on ebay if you don't know what I mean. I have them set up like a diorama on a shelf up the stairs. But I got rid of a few other friends that I wish I hadn't. At least right now. Maybe someday a teddy bear will come into my life. Yeah, I know I could go out and buy one, but I really honestly don't need more stuff. At least not stuff just to have stuff. I really don't want to have things in my life that don't have meaning behind them. And I also regret giving away my mom's shoes. For some reason now, it seems I would be able to fit into most of them. However, they weren't my style, and I prefer wide. And I know that I keep going on about this, but how in the hell can my feet got down almost 2 full sizes in the matter of 6 months or so? It's not that I lost weight. My feet are just shrinking. It's OK, it will be easier to find cheap shoes, but it's really fucking weird. I also used to have serious foot pain. Plantar fasciitis and bone spurs in my heel. Having to work at the hotel and barely be able to walk was really awful. Just this side of torture. Now I don't seem to have those problems (unless I go up and down the stairs an insane amount of times). I think the job at the hotel as a slave, er I mean, a maid, was just bad for my health in every aspect. I have to talk to my new shrink next Thursday. Been dreading it ever since I talked to her the first time, weeks ago. I guess I'll just say as little as possible. Let her do whatever she wants with my "medicine". Because I have not taken it, I don't want to take it, and I don't think I should have to have this threat of what will happen to me if I don't take it hovering over me like a rusty anvil tied on a threadbare rope. I guess I'll tell her I am less depressed. Because I am. Because that's what happens when you go manic. I'll tell her I still have trouble getting to sleep. Which is true, but I am sleeping better once I do go to sleep. Even if I don't want to sleep, I force myself to do the routine, get into bed, lay there. Try to sleep. I don't know if that's the best thing to do when manic and I really don't feel like I need sleep, but I think forcing my body to rest, even if my mind can't is sometimes the best I can do. But wow have I been productive lately. It feels so amazingly good to be doing something real. I found out recently that my friend appropriated his life's dream from Hunter S. Thompson. It's sad. It's Midwestern sad. All these extremely talented, creative people selling themselves short because they aren't living in some big shithole like New York City or Los Angeles. I'm pretty sure there aren't angels there, just a few big cold rooms full of John and Jane Does from the Midwest. I lost some (more) respect for him. But lately I wish I could get his reassurance on how evil the mental health industry can be, and how medication is a bad idea. He always had my back about that. I read that they put stem cells from aborted babies in Pepsi. And that Pepsi didn't deny it. So, what are all the Pepsi drinkers going to do now when it tastes weird? 4:06 PM - Tuesday, May. 03, 2022 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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