----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm not supposed to be I am not a religious person. In fact, I really distrust and to an extent hate organized religions. I have tried to learn about all the different religions out there. Partly out of curiosity, partly because I've always been led to believe that if you don't have a spiritual practice of your own, your life is lacking something fundamental. I've even stayed out of "the program" (AA) because I can't let go and let fucking god when I don't think there is a fucking god out there to give a fuck about a fuck like me. Or, if there is, they just don't give a fuck period. And why would I want anything to do with a deadbeat supreme being, let alone surrender my personal power to it? So, I come across this disturbing article about Yogi Bhajan just a few minutes ago. I guess it's a case of me being the last to know, again. I won't link directly since I unlocked, but the headline is: Master of Deceit: How Yogi Bhajan Used Kundalini Yoga for Money, Sex and Power https://gurumag.com/master-of-deceit-how-yogi-bhajan-used-kundalini-yoga-for-money-sex-and-power/ Long story short, he was a cult leader, a rapist, a drug smuggler, a jewel thief, an all around MF A-hole. When someone started sending me quotes of his, I thought they sounded nice. I got a few books from his follower Gurmukh. I tried to do the yoga, the meditation practices. It never ever felt right, and I fell out of practice. And now I wonder if I could see through all the nice words and theoretical applications to the filth underneath. I know that this one person and his teachings are not yoga, and I've never looked for someone to follow, but I find this disturbing enough for it to make the whole thing seem rotten. This was one of my first encounters with kundalini yoga, and it makes me angry. I never have believed that certain people channel god, Yogi or Priest or whatever. Maybe some people get clearer messages, but there's nothing they got that we all don't have to some extent. So, it's not like I've got photos of yogis in my house. I don't have little candles with pictures of Jesus on them. The only church I didn't mind going to as a kid was the Friends meetings, because they took turns giving sermons, and at the end of each meeting they would sit in silent mediation. Not the normal Christian worship service. I know that not everyone that practices Kundalini yoga is wrapped up in this, but it definitely opens my eyes to it more. I sure as shit won't have anything to do with 3HO, the organization that he started and still carries on his teachings today. It freaks me out I was on their mailing list or that I ever shared a quote by this guy. It's really scary to me that something that projects such an image of love and kindness and human expansion is based in such complete filth. Why do things always have to be this way? I know you can't believe everything you read or see or hear, but I really wonder if the reason I never was able to full integrate this into my life was because it's all bullshit. I guess there's no reason for me not to believe it. And if nothing else, it's helping me to be more authentic in my values. I don't want to go around with plywood over my heart like I'm preparing for a natural disaster like a riot or a hurricane. I want to be able to trust. And to care. I would like to have some sort of spiritual practice in my life. I don't want to revert back to my good old days of Atheism and Nihilism, but I really think I'm done now. Done trying to integrate anything official or traditional into my life. It's a real struggle to not give in to the nothing because that's all that seems to be real. Everyone wants to feel like life has meaning. That there is hope. That we are here for some reason. That we are connected to something larger than ourselves. And people who take advantage of that should burn in hell, if there is such a place. These past two weeks I have been forced to really look at my life. I don't like to make plans for the future anymore. I try to just be in the now and try to do the right thing, be a good person. Make the right choices. But I do think that this winter is going to be very cold, very dark, and not in the physical sense. The silver lining of having a "dark night of the soul" is the opportunity it provides for complete spiritual renewal. So, yeah, I'm going to hang onto that cuz it's all I gots. Lately I have been listening to this song by Slipknot, "Disasterpieces". I really like it. It's so good for walking around town to. It makes me feel better right now. Again, you'll have to cut and paste. https://youtu.be/n7Zgz-8PsnA I unlocked my journal thinking maybe I'd make some new friends, but now I'm rethinking that idea. It will probably just open me up to MF A-holes, because I've noticed those types of people take every opportunity they can to be how they are. And I'm a total target. I'm a marshmallow. A care bear. A care bear shaped marshmallow, maybe. 7:51 PM - Thursday, Nov. 25, 2021 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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