----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- nine dollars and sixty one cents My social circle is so small that when people choose to disappear I feel like I'm on a private island. Our weed distributor has gone MIA. He was supposed to hook us up two weeks ago and then he stopped answering his phone. We stopped in today because his office is right near the neighborhood coffee shop and the guy that works in that building and knows him, told us that our distributor has disappeared, no one knows where he is and no one has been able to get hold of him. He travels a lot for his legit business and often just picks up plants on his way back, so I'm hoping he didn't get busted for bringing it across state lines or something! It's a bad mystery. Hopefully he will just show back up soon and be like, I just needed a vacay, yo. He makes his living buying designer furniture and fine art and selling it. He found a Picasso and suddenly had so much money he now owns 1/3 of all the businesses in our little neighborhood. So, I hope that has nothing to do with his going away. I am missing the legal weed business right now. I can't believe in 2021 this prohibition is still a thing. We only know this one guy here, so we will probably be out of weed for some time now. I can take it or leave it. It's nice to have around but that's about it. My husband on the other hand smokes all day every day and he is absolutely psychologically addicted to it so I am not looking forward to his behavior that I know is coming. I need a vacay from him, yo. And speaking of big time addicts, I haven't heard from my friend K since he sent that weird little ninja emoji. I am trying not to take it personally, but I do. When I think he has fired me from his life I get all panicked. I can't explain why I like him so much. He's moodier than I am, has a lot of severe mental issues that he refuses to deal with (including a long standing addiction to hard drugs), can be the king of the assholes, and has point blank told me he is indifferent to anyone and everything. He triggers my mental illness, acts like he's my best friend then says horribly mean, unfounded things and disappears for some time. I know I'd be better off without a friend like him. I have always liked him, always wanted to get to know him better, and always felt like he's in some elite private club that I don't get to join.So for most of my life I've tried to stay away from him. It makes no sense, I know, but that's how feelings can be sometimes. I know that I suffer from Florence Nightingale syndrome, and he's like the perfect candidate for the energy surrounding that affliction. Never fixable, permanently broken... It's OK, I guess, I don't want to be my friend, either. It's not OK, though. Most people in this world seem to me like cardboard cut-outs of one another. You could replace them in each others' lives and no one would even notice. Then there are some people that seem really different in some way. Even small ways. Anything different is good. And when those people go away, it's like there is a big hole in the universe where they were. A piece of the puzzle is missing and the big picture doesn't make sense anymore. I know it sounds really egotistical for me to say that I have a hard time being friends with anyone that I don't see as one of those special pieces. They are having some winter clothing drive/ poetry reading/ yuppie transcendental bullshit meet up at this coffee shop a few times next month. I don't think I will go. I don't like being around people and they don't like being around me, either, as far as I can tell. But I did jot down the name of the female poetry collective. I don't know why, though. I may be a poet and a woman, but I don't usually get along with other women. I don't have any female friends anymore. It's like I'm Elaine from Seinfeld.
I probably won't get involved in anything. Sometimes though I think I should make more of an effort. Find something I have an interest in and try to get to know people that have a similar interest. I get lonely and think I should pretend I'm a human being and try to make friends. But then I remember that I'm not even supposed to be here and I should stop fooling myself. 2:30 PM - Tuesday, Oct. 26, 2021 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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