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binge watching
So I watch these videos on youtube...and I don't know why...people with kids doing people with kid things. Acting like this is normal life. That everyone is like this. That everyone has fancy backsplash tile in their bathroom and an island in their giant kitchen. They don't explain how their life got that way. It was always that way. They were born with the biggest silver spoon or something. Maybe they just worked 80 hours a week until they lost any ambition except to procreate. Or maybe it's just the standard Christian lifestyle that everyone aspires to.
Vacant eyes. Even if they are funny or creative in some way... it just all seems plastic and fake and I can't relate. It's like a foreign movie, but these people are speaking American and we are supposed to all be the same. Most Americans are so same-y. Or, maybe it's just most people are so same-y.
Most of the time people stare at me like I have two heads. Even if I try to wear the normal person costume, it's like they can smell the freak wafting over me. I just don't get how so many people can be so alike. I think most people could be replaced in their life by a doppleganger, and it wouldn't make any difference at all to anyone.
Youtube is too much like Hollywood. I have to wonder how much of this is all real. Or maybe all these families just bought into the ideal of what normal was and passed it from generation to generation. You look at them, and you can see it on their face that this plastic life is what they've always had and what they've always wanted and why would anyone want something different?
That lack of questioning really makes me uneasy. And I wish I could have that. I wish I didn't think about everything until it's totally torn apart. I don't know how people can just let things happen to them so much. I don't know how people can't think about things and I wonder if sometimes there is honestly nothing in their head. If sometimes they hear nothing. Just wind.
It's like when people find out I don't have a cell phone. Now, that's different. People have actually said "I don't believe you." Well fuck you. Fuck all of you. Things will never change because people are more than happy keeping things the same forever and ever and ever. Or at least they'll die trying.
5:11 PM - Friday, Mar. 12, 2021
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