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ruby slippers
Take care. Empathy has gone the way of the dinosaurs. Everyone woke up one day and decided that hearts were not needed. I didn't get the memo. Now I have this useless muscle in my chest and it weighs me down. Compassion is for the weak? I'm a sap and I'm waiting for the comet to hit.
Had a bad break-up with the town I lived in. Had to be the bigger person and leave so it could keep doing it's thing. I was just getting to accept the things I could not change and change everything I could and then my time was up. Had to. Forced out. Everything is a caricature of reality there. Living in the greatest ongoing science experiment ever produced. Like the towns built for the first atomic bomb detonations. Staged and cold but unsettlingly real. Real fake. A dull ache in my guts and recurring dreams in my head of just walking where I used to go to find solace. Just dreaming of being somewhere else. Another time and another me. A mental vacation to a place that hasn't existed for a very long time even though it is still on the map.
Again and again I can't seem to break the destructive pattern of caring and trying when all hope is truly lost. Plant trees knowing they will get sick and die. Plant flowers knowing they will get turned into dirt. Plant some seeds of kindness even though I know no good deed goes unpunished.
I'm a bad person because I give a shit. Hit the nail on the head and fill the head full of chemicals so that you don't have to accept any responsibility for a single thing ever. I'd say that would be a nice way to live except I know it's not really working out.
Allergy medications have been making me anxious, manic. Try to keep busy. Writing nonsense. Making graffiti. Avoid over-cleaning. Avoid over-thinking. I think about the past morbidly, too much. I try to think about the future. I try to think happy thoughts about the future. Some real fake it 'til you make it shit. I try to be here now and all the cliché self-help phrases but my rolodex of a mind flaps back to all the people back where I used to call home and hope they are as OK as they can be. Wonder if they ever think of me, and know they don't. I could disappear, and no one would care. Try to claim that as some act of freedom on my part instead of it being pathetic.
My fantasy self is all there is sometimes. Force myself to fade away like back to the future. I did this to myself. I must be a late bloomer. Adulting doesn't really work for me. I still worry what I'm going to do for a living. My monthly pittance isn't enough to survive on and I don't comply. I can't construct a proper sentence. I can't construct a viable future. I wonder if I will ever get to have a lover again and then I remember all the things I have held onto that are weighing me down and I have to just let it all go. Drop it on the side of the road because there are no sidewalks here and eventually go around picking up all the garbage and put the would's and have's in with the rest of the trash.
2:28 PM - Tuesday, Feb. 23, 2021
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