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home sweet home
I haven't had a cell phone since I got here. I haven't texted or talked to hardly anyone on the phone for many weeks. Big K responded to a two word email I sent him with a five word email and that's the last I heard from him. I emailed a friend that lives here and told her I live here now and did she want to go out for coffee and she said she can't leave her house because she's scared to get the virus, which takes the prize for the lamest excuse for someone not wanting to see me ever.
I feel like my world is this house. All I do is hire people to fix the things that I can't, and haul garbage out to the dumpster and clean clean clean clean and try to move my things in and try to make it a home but it's just a house. A little shitbox house that had some serious mold problems until I took care of it and no plumbing until I took care of it and is packed floor to ceiling with what is essentially garbage until I take care of it. I have to throw things away that should be OK, but they are ruined because of the conditions of being in a hoard. I don't have the energy to try to clean things to keep them out of the landfill and I can't risk my health any more than I am already.
There is a 24 hour drug dealer drive though across the street and assholes come and go blasting music and working on their shit cars all day all night with hardly a break. I can't wait until they get raided and I will stand on my back stairs eating popcorn and laughing my ass off.
I just want a place to sit that isn't my bed. I want to find my kitchen stuff so I can cook a decent meal. I want to sit at a table to eat. I want my fucking studio set up.
But instead I get medications and responsibility and hard work that never is finished.
I fear I am never going to have a space of my own again. That I will never write or make art again. That I'm just going to give in and slit my wrists in the tub because I don't even have a shower here.
8:25 PM - Monday, Oct. 05, 2020
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