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scorpio sunburn
Had a dream that Big K called me and when I picked up he was crying so much I couldn't make out any words.
Yeah, probably not actually going to happen. I hope not, anyway. But he talks about crying for hours all the time, so I hope that he isn't at home crying in his teepee, like he likes to say. But I get it. I cry pretty much every day.
He's speaking to me, but he made me basically apologize for sending him flowers, which I really don't think I should have done, but I am so lame I did it. I asked my husband if sending the flowers made me a bad person, and he said no. I said well K basically said I was, and it made me really upset.
To which my husband says, remember, that guy is a crazy addict. And that's coming from my husband, so it's quite a statement.
What kind of person says that I need to stop communicating with him so much, then sends 15 texts one after another? A really fucked up person. What kind of person thanks me for being so supportive, then tells me to be a better person?
Again, yeah. The world really does a number on people, and what they do to themselves in order to combat that doesn't help. It's sad.
I need to remember to stop seeing what people could be, stop trying to help them become that, even if they encourage me to help. Because in the end, people are only as strong as their vices. Most people are extremely weak and will take the path of less resistance. They will also take everything you give them until there's nothing left.
I need to be less of a giver. So, I need to be less needy. How do you make yourself need less without tipping the scales and becoming totally closed off and heartless? I've never been able to figure that out, but I obviously have to work on it.
My brother got the plumbing in the DSM house fixed. If it got cleaned out, it might actually be livable. Hopefully I won't die there. At least, not for a long time. No matter how down I get, I don't want to die. I'm closer to death every day (just as we all are) but I really want to live, OK?
I just want it to be a life worth living. Cake. Eating it too. Et Cetera...
1:17 PM - Thursday, Aug. 27, 2020
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