-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
mindfuck v2.0
Aside from my husband losing it totally, my friend back in Roch is just fucking with my head. When he texts he sends at least 3 texts at a time and while I was sitting there watching the 2009 version of Wuthering Heights I get text after text telling me how I am so great and supportive never change, thanks for being you, hope you are OK, hope you are writing and working on your book, etc...
then I get one telling me that he gave flowers to his "sweetheart" then left because he got shy and didn't want to be told to grow up.
And my heart just sank to the bottom of the big black void. Not sure why. I have no right to be upset or angry. I hope he can have a sweetheart that can handle his insanity.
All I could think to respond was "that would be a strange reaction on her part".
Later that day I get a text that reads "I am. A. Stupid. Man" but he wouldn't clarify why or what. Then he kept texting saying he's sorry, that his hyperactivity makes him do these things (he's ADHD) and that "nothing ever plugs in, I wish you could see that."
He's always talking in code and I don't get it. The day before we were talking about me sending him some flowers. That's what they call buds here. And we joked about that how I was sending him flowers. Then he tells me he gave some lady some flowers and I feel it's a mindfuck.
I feel like men just like to fuck with my head. I feel like I need to remember my place. I'm the "last call" lady. Not a call lady, but the last call lady. The ugly fat old lady left in the bar at last call after all the attractive women have found someone to take them home. Last pick. Runt of the litter. Someone that gets settled for by someone who is just as equally undesirable. And as soon as someone better comes along, I'm yesterday's garbage.
And after a really bad visit to my husband at his hotel, against my better judgement I call my friend, which I never do, and he sounds like I feel, but he says he is OK but I don't know. Either I am totally delusional or he has feelings for me just like I have feelings for him and neither one feels stable enough to just say what's really going on.
I kept texting that exact thing. "What is going on here?" But I never got a direct response. I asked him if he had texted with my husband, and he says no, why, was he in trouble for what he did. I text, "Did you do something" He texts back "Did I do anything?" I can't be the only one that doesn't understand this. I am really truly at a loss.
So today I ordered him some real flowers. These pretty flowers. Mason Jar Wishes
I liked the description: "Express yourself with sunny sunflowers. Show your love with our red Peruvian lilies. Cheer their name with some green button poms, and take a risk with some purple monte casinos" and they seemed less girly.
Guys like getting flowers too, right, but they usually don't. And I totally feel like he's fucking with my head. Ever since the poopship incident. I mean, really. So I will just return the favor. On the card I had it read "This card left blank intentionally." And that's all.
Maybe it's a real delusional bitch move. Maybe he won't want to be friends anymore. Maybe there shouldn't be anything more than that. Maybe he will assume they are from his sweetheart, if that person really exists, and they will go live happily ever after because I'm unknowingly playing cupid. Maybe he will go tell my husband and I can use it an opportunity to say I can't handle living in a sexless marriage to a guy who refuses to get mental health help. End of story.
I've known my friend off and on 20 years and if I am going to be on my own, and or move back to the town he lives in, I need to know what's going on. Because if I am honest with myself, he is a huge part of why I would move back to a place I said I would never go back to.
I may lose everything. Already lost my house. Lost my sanity. Am losing my marriage. Lost my parents. Loss. Loss. Loss.
If it's my fate to be out there on my own and die like a dog in some doorway on the street, I need to know now. If I can't have friends, then I will deal. What else can I do?
I am sending him some green flowers as well. My husband is totally paranoid about it, but fuck it. He can't tell me what to do anymore. Big K wanted flowers, he's going to get some motherfucking flowers. the green kind in a bag and the yellow kind in a jar. More than he bargained for, I can't care.
I'll blame it on my rapid cycling. If he can use his mental illness as an excuse for his actions, so can I.
It's really lame and human and it makes me sick, but this lack of sex thing is a huge part of why I can't be with my husband anymore. It makes me feel really awful about myself, even though I know it's him and not me. But not even getting hugged or kissed is just too much. It's the loneliest feeling in the world to live with someone who is supposed to be your lover and friend and not feeling like they are either one. I feel like a nurse or a caregiver and it's all take take take and no give. Something's got to give.
5:05 PM - Wednesday, Aug. 19, 2020
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------