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run on sentences beans and rice
Had therapy after a month (?) of not. I missed my last appointment because I was in the ER for my ear infection at 5 AM that morning, and once I got my antibiotics filled later that day, I just passed out because I hadn't been able to sleep for 3 days because of the pain. And I mean passed out. My husband woke me up because he said it didn't look like I was breathing.
But now my throat hurts. Again. Every time I go to therapy I feel like I caught a cold. I don't know if it's just being in such a warm environment, or if it's because I have to talk for an hour, or the stress of just going out, or if that place is just dirty. I tried some herbal throat spray, and it helped a little. But I have a perpetual sore throat. It's like I can't just feel well. I can't just be healthy. It's getting really old.
I got prescribed a nasal spray that I have to do every day, and it's a running prescription, and it seems to somewhat help, but I worry about the long term effects. And it tastes like medicine. I know you put it up your nose, but it tastes bad. Smells bad, Whatever.
I had to deal with the county today, again. And I was freaking out, asking them questions they can't answer like, "Why do I have to answer these questions time and time again? Why are you doing this to us? Are you going to be happy when we're living on the street?" Long story short, the call was pointless, and yes, they would be happy if we were on street because they wouldn't have to deal with us, and I am going to go in there tomorrow with a gun and just shoot everyone I see.
Kidding. Don't own a gun. For reasons like that.
OK, I think I just got run down from the stress.
I can see now, that when I was drinking, every time I had to call the county, I would hang up and immediately go out and get booze. I don't know if that's part of their plan, or what. To make money on the sin tax. So, I am really proud of myself for not drinking. Because there's not much reason NOT to drink if I have to deal with this shit.
I had to go the insurance office before therapy, and it was on the way to therapy, so I walked and almost slipped out in their parking lot. That was the only place I did slip out, which is really ironic. If I owned an insurance office, I would put down tons of salt.
There's a back way into therapy through all these creepy low income apartments and through a fence and that's how I got to therapy. Whenever I am in the therapy office, there's always some crackhead coming around the fence and wandering around in the back yard of the therapy office and it freaks out my therapist. He used to have bird feeders out there and keep the curtains open, but now he took down the bird feeders and has the curtains mostly closed. But I am proud of myself for walking instead of driving, even though it was dark when I got out, and it's winter and I am always scared of falling ever since I broke my elbow.
I have had to do way too much lately. Go to the eye surgeon, the dentist, deal with the county about once a week for a month, deal with insurance, go to therapy, take care of my husband. Fucking hell. And now I have to get the tabs on my car renewed. I have to go to the county, drop off yet another form with the same info they always ask for, AGAIN, then drive across town, pay my tabs, and try not to get hit because it's the Friday before x-mas and it's going to be madness out there.
I've been dealing with stress with eating junk food and watching lame TV shows, like "That 70s Show". It's a horrible show, but it's silly, and it reminds me so much of Rochester back in the 90s. The group of people we used to hang out with. Mostly innocent, silly people in a small-ish town with no cell phones and a rather bad sense of fashion. I really miss life before cell phones.
No one could have expected how horrific things have gotten. There's not one person I know that is not struggling to make it through to the next day, for various different reasons. I'm usually pretty hard on myself, but I see lots of people I know, or used to know, and they are doing really bad things to cope. I feel really innocent compared to most everyone else. And it makes me feel really vulnerable, like I should do something to at least give the illusion that I am not a target.
Like, rubbing guts all over yourself when you have to walk through a parking lot of zombies during the zombie apocalypse, so you can fool them into thinking you are one of them, and not get attacked.
8:23 PM - Thursday, Dec. 19, 2019
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