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three of swords / ten of swords
I feel like with everyone, I have had to lower my expectations and my needs so much, that I now exist in a place where nothing happy ever occurs, there's no reason to celebrate anything, important dates vanish from my history like they never existed, and times when I ever truly need someone is when I am for certain going to be completely alone.
I realize how dangerous isolation is. How it's the root of depression, addiction. I am trying to interact with new people, and so far it's been awful. Really awful. Total fail. I was hoping to find out that not everything is like it is. That there are happy people out there doing things they enjoy without the burden of mental illness. And I am not sure if that's true.
If anything it's made me realize how my brain is definitely wired differently than the average person. How very different life experiences I have had compared to almost everyone I know or meet, and how that makes me almost totally un-relatable. That my timeline is not the same as most people's timeline.
And I see why I am usually so isolated. And I am beginning to think that it's probably best that way. If I just stay inside, figuratively and literally, then I don't have to feel guilty for upsetting anyone by just being myself. And I won't resent people for just being who they are.
I have been ruminating about my part in my relationships, and I've concluded that I'm mostly just a fool. Mostly, no totally. I let everyone take advantage of me. I never get what I need out of a relationship, no matter how unimportant that person is to me. And I will always let others' needs and emotions and even excuses come before my own. Even something as simple as a co-worker that keeps asking me the same questions over and over, obviously never really listening to what I have to say.
I guess one of my greatest fears has been that I will end up totally alone, so I put up with too much, but that's probably my fate, so it's not any use fearing it. Just like it's silly to worry about what you have no control over. Just like it's a waste of good time to obsess about death.
1:20 AM - Sunday, Sept. 15, 2019
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