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"This is the face that we show the world."
I made a new friend. And it sucks. I wish I hadn't bothered. My new friend is freaked out that I've been in a relationship for 25 years. I thought that was a good thing. I guess that's an old fashioned way to think. Commitment is obviously not one of my issues, even though it seems to be every one else's.
Also apparently I'm crazy because I haven't made any new friends in almost as long. People say they are crazy, but it's just this cute little phrase people throw around when what they really mean is... I don't know. I don't know what people mean most of the time. I think most people speak (or write) and it doesn't mean anything.
When almost every single person in my life has been an addict, that brings up trust issues. I don't trust anyone. Everyone has an agenda. Everyone is just out for what they can get. It's not a healthy way to think, but if it's reality, what can you say about that? Deny reality and bad things happen.
How am I supposed to relate to someone when I haven't figured out their agenda yet? What if they don't have one? Is that even possible?
And this is yet another person that I have to keep my mouth shut about how they make their money. I'm a sanctimonious judgy dickhead, but how can you say you're an environmentalist while creating ways for one of the most notoriously evil countries in the world to find and remove more petroleum from the earth? All the ppl that I know that are not homeless drug addicts or solitary mental cases work for places that are directly ruining the environment, and getting paid very well for it. So, I have to really wonder, what does it really mean to be crazy?
How can I justify being friends with these evil mega corporate people. It kills me to have to be polite and just ignore it. It's pathetic that I am so desperate for human interconnection that I am willing to give up my values to someone because they are willing to put up with my shit. No one agrees on everything, but it's more than just agree to disagree. Like a sliver in your eye, how long can you pretend it's not there?
No one puts up with my shit anymore. “I'm a liar, and a thief.” Amateur manipulator. Violent manic depressive addict. Lazy worthless pointless stupid. Think I'm better than everyone else and hate myself at the same time. Hypomanic hypersexual hermit monk. “Big fat fuck.”
Favorite album? Chocolate and Cheese by Ween. Favorite book? A Fine and Private Place by Peter S Beagle. Favorite pastime? Obsessing about what a fuckhead I can be.
I'll probably just try to take a look at all that.
If my therapist tells me one more time I'm a good person, he runs the risk of getting punched in the face. He's a great cheerleader and motivator, but I'm just not buying it. He doesn't know me.
And as soon as someone gets to know me. Even just a little bit about me. That's it.
It's me. I'm the asshole.
Getting to know new people is bad. It's really really bad. It makes me look at myself. Can't I keep pretending I don't exist?
10:49 PM - Monday, Sept. 09, 2019
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