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bright sunshiney day
It's definitely a mental health day today. It's like the ice-capades outside. Everything is coated in ice. It gets above freezing, dips back down. It melts, it re-freezes. You can go out and scrape it away every few hours, put down salt, it just comes right back. Most people are doing nothing with their sidewalks. The roads, either.
I am fortunate I don't have to go out until Thursday. Even then, I might have to take a cab to work. Ever since I fell and broke my elbow on the ice a few years ago, whenever there is ice out there, I freak out. I literally lock up and can't move. I am terrified of falling again. Not only because breaking my elbow was the most painful thing I've ever felt, but because I would have to be out of work for 6-8 weeks. No income. No credit cards to fall back on. Nothing.
It's been so slow this winter that I haven't worked a Saturday in about 2 months. I have been working 2 days a week instead of my usual 3 and it's great. I have no “hump day.” I work one day, and the next day it's my last day for the week. I go home. I hunker down. It's been very nice.
I worry about money a lot. I worry that my family relies on me to bring in money. Some days it is almost impossible to wear that mask of sanity and make it into work. And when I am there, I feel it cracking all around me. Little pieces of my real self slip out and I just want to die. It sucks being stuck in a society that is so foreign to my authentic self. I think I would do better in a truly foreign country.
The less I go out, the better I feel. I think I will try to stay at home in 2017 as much as possible. I think I would like to start walking or possibly jogging, but at the cemetery. That's barely like going out. All the people there are decent human beings, finally. Going out into the neighborhoods during the week is almost like going out in the middle of the night. There's hardly anyone around. The zombies are all at zombie boot camp.
Going out at odd times like sunrise or late at night works as well. I think I will try to plan my life according to having to deal with as few people as possible forever.
Because the pain that you all cause me simply by existing makes me want to kill you all.
2:44 PM - Tuesday, Jan. 17, 2017
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