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apple pie

I have to go to the dentist on Tuesday. I am scheduled to get my teeth cleaned, which hasn't happened for probably about 20 years. And I am supposed to have an exam with the actual dentist to see what my options are for fixing my baby teeth that are chipping and wearing down, making it difficult to eat.

I've never been able to eat like everyone else. For example, I have to cut apples, I can't bite into them.

Remember those old denture commercials where they show people biting into an apple? Fixodent and forget it.

Really one of the last things I want is to have to glue my teeth into my head every morning. Or, alternately, be one of those toothless old ladies you see on the street covered in shit and yelling at everyone.

I can see myself ending up that way if I am not careful.

But, I am nervous as fuck for this dentist appointment. I'm thankful I have the Medicare that gives me any kind of dental, however. My husband had a rotten tooth recently and he had to get it pulled and put on antibiotics and we had to pay for that out of pocket. Credit card, of course. It cost about $300 to pull the thing and they wanted almost $4,000 to make a new one and put it back in. So, he's missing a tooth now. I haven't seen it, though, it's way back in his face I guess, and he never smiles anymore.

I don't think that I really do have many options as far as teeth go. I'm sure my version of Medicare only offers dentures, not implants or anything fancy like that. I'm never going to have rich movie star teeth.

Just like I'm never going to have normal hair or skin or brainwave patterns.

My brother is nice enough to give me a ride, wait during my appointment and then give me a ride home. It's a little less stressful than having to ride the bus and be alone.

He never made any kids either, and talks pretty often about how he didn't want to inflict our family's bad genetics on anyone else. I feel the same way, and it's nice that we have that in common.

I get angry that I have all these defects that are not my fault. I didn't ask to be fucking born, and I sure didn't ask for physical defects. It's not like I did meth and rotted out my teeth or never brushed them and lived off taffy for the first two decades of my life. I didn't.

My oldest brother made 10 kids, and almost all of them have their own kids by now. My middle brother made 2, and they also have their own families. And I don't really know any of them. I know some of them have mental problems, which no matter what my family says, is totally inherited.

I realized the other day that I am closer in age to my oldest nephew than I am to my youngest brother. There is no one else in my family around my age. All a decade older or more, or about 8 or more years younger. I was always alone at family things, usually just hanging with my mom or dad. Even my cousins are more my brothers' ages.

My husband is two years younger than me. His birthday is coming up on Sunday. I asked if he had any plans. He said no. He never has plans. Never wants to do anything. Not a surprise. I will probably bake a carrot cake for him, it's more or less his favorite.

His Mom's birthday is the day after his. She got to retire this year. She lives in Tampa, but she called here yesterday and I guess she's far enough inland that the hurricane isn't expected to affect her. She didn't have to evacuate or anything like that. So, that's good. I've told my husband about the hurricane for weeks now, but he never called his mom. She called him. I guess he just doesn't care.

I am surrounded by too many people that have so many differences. I've never found my place, my people, and I don't think I ever will. And now I have to go through all this with no teeth.

Maybe I can put my teeth on credit and then file bankruptcy again. Not an ideal plan, but not NOT a plan, either.

10:53 AM - Thursday, Oct. 10, 2024

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