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i got nothing

I had a dream last night that my husband went on my computer, read this online journal, and wanted a divorce.

Only in real life, that would never happen.

I try to not write anything here that I wouldn't say about him in public.

But I can't take this anymore. I need to vent.

This week, especially, being sober, I find it extremely hard living with him. I am constantly clenching my jaw. I have to constantly hold myself back from flipping out. I drop hints like A bombs about how I'm tired of being the ONLY ONE that cleans, does the dishes, does the laundry, does the food shopping. I clean the cat boxes, I mow the fucking grass.

I know it's petty and stupid, but I get so resentful about that last one. I know it's stereotypical gender bias bullshit, but I am the only woman here that has to mow the grass. I fucking hate mowing the grass.

This year, I went into debt to get another electric mower and I MAKE him go out and help me mow. We have a very large property. Most people around here use riding mowers. It's Iowa, we love us some personal space, especially in the form of soccer field sized yards.

Last year I had to take care of everything outside by myself. It's 100 fucking degrees outside, 97% humidity, and I'm out there from dawn to dusk mowing the grass, feeling like I am going to drop dead any second while my husband sits inside doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Then I have to do everything else inside too. I have zero energy to do anything I care about. Art. Writing. I sit and I stare and I try to not listen to myself screaming inside my own mind.

What is the opposite of a nag? A doormat, I guess.

There is no point in telling him to do anything, he does not care. He absolutely does not care about anything. Even if I'm crying and burnt out and having a break down, he just stands there waiting for me to finish. I want to punch him in the face just to see if he'll react. I don't think he would.

Sometimes I think I hate him. I know I have a lot of resentment. I know I do not like how he is now. It's like he's a completely different person. He doesn't even eat the same foods he used to. It's like he was switched with an alien. Body snatched.

I have to be on drugs or drunk or altered in some way to just wake up and face another day of this horrible excuse of a life with him. And every single day I have to force myself from clawing my way out of this hell hole of a marriage.

I have to get some strength up so that I can sit him down and tell him. Again And again. That this is not acceptable and this can not continue.

I have had this talk with him countless times since we moved here. I don't know how many times I can say the same thing with no results. It's pure insanity.

He used to help out. He used to share a life with me. He used to care about things. I don't know if the meth fried his brain, or if it's the big pharma or just the head injuries. But he refuses to work on himself, to work on us, to work on anything.

All of his studio stuff is still sitting in boxes in the basement. It drives me crazy.

He is a huge black hole of sorrow and despair and I have to bungee cord myself to something that means anything to me to avoid getting sucked in. Every day I have to find something, anything, to hold onto so I don't succumb to the void.

And this is the main reason why I have continued to drink booze for so long. It keeps my brain barely functioning. My middle brother called it having a "fuzzy brain". You can barely think, let alone think about all the shit.

I don't know how much longer I can take all this. I know I can't live the rest of my life this way. When it comes to people I care about, I am a very patient, empathetic person. I put up with things more than I should. My generosity and compassion has been taken advantage of countless times.

I have to take my own advice and take care of myself, because there is no one who will do it for me.

30 years we've been together. I can't go on another 30 like this.

I've said this to his face and all I get back is a blank stare of someone that's dead inside.

Today's getting to be over. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

4:51 PM - Friday, Sept. 27, 2024

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