----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- too real is too right Had nightmares all last night. I woke myself up by my entire body shaking. In my dream I was having a fit and screaming "I just need some help!" Which really freaked me out. Maybe I did have a seizure. It was really awful. And that is what I was saying a year ago, two years ago. I was saying it all the time like a mantra. I really couldn't deal and no one helped me. I am not sure, looking back, how I didn't end up hospitalized. After my botched shrink appointment on the 17th, my husband jokingly said, "How dare you be so strong?" In regards to the doctor accusing me of faking mental illness because I had not been medicated or in the hospital for so many years. There's no way someone could be Bipolar and exist without medication or hospitalization, right? I had several bad dreams last night, but the one I remember the most, the one where I ended up having a fit was: we were in Denver again, shopping at these little health food stores. Only they were unnaturally huge inside. We ended up buying a huge cart of food, but the cart was like a black hole or something. When we got to the register we kept pulling more and more food out of the cart. My husband then took off somewhere when it was time to carry it all home and I started to panic. I was trying to steal the cart and push it home alone and homeless people kept swarming me and stealing food and trying to beat me up. Someone stole a wad of cash I had on me. Then I realized it was all the money I had or was ever going to have. For some reason I went back to the store to call the cops to report the stolen money and the owner and the security guard gave me shit. Then I realized they were in on stealing my money and I confronted them and they just laughed at me. Everyone in the store was laughing at me. I was fucked and there was nothing I could do and I still had to get this black hole food cart home and I was alone and that's when I started screaming "I just need some help!" Over and over until I lost my voice and and I was shaking so bad I woke myself up. Dreams always sound kind of silly, but at the time, it felt a little too real and it definitely had too much basis in my real life. I wasn't able to feel rested so I ended up sleeping in today. My husband at one point got up and said it was almost noon. I jumped out of bed and started screaming at him that he sleeps all day every day so he better not get on my case for sleeping in once in awhile. Maybe I took an innocent comment too personally. I think maybe he was just surprised at how late it was, but I really chewed him out and got up purely for spite. And today he actually did things. Like, to prove that he is trying and really is an OK guy. Because he only ever does things around here when I lose my temper. I don't know why things have to get really bad before anyone ever does anything to help anyone else. 10:23 PM - Friday, Nov. 26, 2021 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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