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helicopters were not deployed


Sadhana

Yesterday was my 40th day of sobriety.

No one gives a shit.

That's the entire problem. The only people who truly cared are gone and I will never see them again.

I'm proud of myself.

Being sober is the most difficult thing I have ever done, the most important thing I have ever done.

I knew drinking alcohol would ruin my life. I was a “preventative alcoholic” and people would laugh. That's cute. Now, go the fuck away, you're ruining my buzz.

These 40 days have been difficult because I have zero support. People have their little groups and online friends and counselors and priests and family that are there rooting them on.

I have zero. Nothing.

Except myself.

I have to save myself from myself. And I have to do it all alone.

I tried to get help. I've been down on my knees literally screaming at the top of my lungs that I need help, and no one helped.

Been to counselors. They all tried to pass me off to very expensive clinics. More psychotherapy.

Pointless.

Let me save everyone time and expense: I started drinking because I live in shitland, USA. My neighbors break the law bullying me but they get away with it. My husband is a drug addict and a cheat and a psychotic. I have zero family support and no friends. I had a job that treated me worse than shit and caused physical ailments. I have a severe inherited mental illness that has never been properly diagnosed or treated.

Yeah. That's me. Those are the reasons, not the excuses.

It's a horrible feeling to really truly need help and not have any.

See, there's always someone worse off. They take priority, so I just get ignored.

That's the story of my life. I'm not fucked up ENOUGH.

People like me get lost in society. The system fails us. We don't qualify for assistance. No one can put their own problems aside long enough to actually help. People like me often end up homeless. Then dead.

I was waiting and waiting for help. It never came.

My husband, drunkenly, told me I don't get help because I never help anyone else.

And that's pretty much when I literally punched him in the face. Because that is total shit. I help people all the time. Help people to the point of ignoring my own needs.

The emergency room gave me a pamphlet for homeless people on “resources” for alcohol abuse. It was beyond insulting.

1-800 numbers and jackshit for all. I KNOW there are actual rehab clinics here. I mean, I live in the heart of the Mayo Clinic. And that is the best they can do?

THAT is what they pass of as “help”?

Not being able to do anything creative for weeks on end was the last straw. Sitting in record heat with a cast on my right hand just staring at the walls for weeks. I guess you could call that forced meditation. What's more important in life? Drinking to point of being able to ignore the bullshit that is all around, or doing art?

It's no contest.

So now I'm on the road for my 90 days of sobriety. It seems like a long road. But I hope it's at least scenic.

Yesterday I went to Michaels Arts and Crafts and had a little shopping spree. It was fun. Spending money on art supplies instead of booze, always a good choice.

But the moment I walked in the front door, I was overwhelmed with the desire to drink some Scotch.

Fleeting, out of nowhere. That addiction is still locked tight to my programming.

Most people in my situation wouldn't be this strong. My family dead, never knowing if my husband is going to leave, get psychotic or be in trouble with the cops, being stuck in a place I HATE doing things I HATE because I misplaced my love and my loyalty due to low self-esteem that came from a lifetime of abuse and bullying.

Of course through all this I've been trying to reclaim some sort of spirituality. I thought maybe I would request a spiritual name from the Kundalini institute started by Yogi Bhajan. This is what I was given:

“You have been blessed to live as Joti Savitri Kaur, the Princess/Lioness who, as a sacred goddess, shines with celestial light by embodying God’s divine knowledge and wisdom in the world.

Joti is one who is filled with light. Savitri means goddess of wisdom and knowledge. All females receive the name Kaur - the Princess/Lioness of God who walks with grace and strength throughout her life. Yogi Bhajan taught that every woman can attain this divine state and encouraged all to manifest it.

Use the power of your name, Joti Savitri Kaur, to reveal your gift of easily personifying God’s wisdom and intelligence on earth when you realize the light of your sacred goddess self. Meditate on the warm glow and vastness of this blessing with every breath. In this way, your profound comprehension of the Divine brings spiritual awareness and luminosity to the minds and hearts of all those around you. Let the vibration of your name support you to fulfill your highest destiny.

The power of your spiritual name is that the more you speak and hear it, the more it permeates your being, opening you to experience its nadh (universal inner sound current). Consciously merge with the vibration of the nadh to come into harmony with your highest destiny.”

11:59 AM - Monday, Jul. 02, 2018

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