-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
confused magnetic field
I can't believe how much shit I've been through this year. Just the last few weeks have been a total nightmare. I don't even want to talk about it. I literally never want to think about the things I've gone through in the last few weeks ever again. Maybe eventually I can convince myself they happened to someone else. Or that they never happened at all.
Maybe that is going to lead to repressed memories. But, the only option I have right now is to move on. I can't afford to think or feel about anything. I just have to survive. I seriously can't deal with it right now.
I am thankful money is not added to my list of concerns right now. It's a small blessing, but I am thankful all the same.
I have no idea of anything in my life right now. I don't even know where I am going to live. I don't know how I am going to live.
I could use a "rest". That's code for being locked up in a hospital.
I wake up every day and try to just focus on what I am going to do that day. I try to make it through until bedtime without having a serious breakdown. Every day that I don't collapse in a heap on the floor is a win, and I hope it means I can make it through another day.
On days when I don't make it through, I feel like I am back at “day one”. Just like when I was drinking. I can't control my emotions, and it just makes everything worse. My goal is total detachment. It's the only way I can survive the rest of this month.
I don't really see the point of this endless cycle. I've only been sober for a month, but it feels like 50 years.
I broke the small finger on my right hand about a month ago. You could ask me how I did that, but I'd have to honestly say I don't know.
How fucked up is that? I have several ideas of what I did that would lead to a broken finger, but I didn't feel any pain until the next morning when I woke up and my hand was swollen and bruised. Ended up in a cast on my entire hand. It seemed overkill for just one finger, but what could I do? I wasn't able to type or write or do art of any kind. I had to eat holding utensils in my left hand. I couldn't even shower normally. On top of all the psychotic shit I've had forced on me in the last year, that was the shit icing on the shit cake.
I just have to make it through until the end of this month and hopefully I will at least have some certainty of something in my life. Court date on June 27th. Full moon. Retrograde. Not looking good, but I am trying to stay positive. I can't make any plans about my life until I know how things are going to end up on June 27th.
My youngest brother has taken it upon himself to digitize all the photos in my parent's photo albums. It's going to cost around $7,000 to get that done. My parents liked to take photos. He sent the first batch already. Everyone really did seem so much happier before I was around. But, I do know that is not entirely my fault. It's not all about me. By the time I rolled around, my family had been through the shit. I just was unlucky in that I was born right in the thick of it.
The last time I got to see my dad he mentioned something about photos. About how when people are young, they take photos all the time. Document everything. But he hadn't taken a photo of anything in many many many years. I told him that I was the same way. I said it's just how people are, I guess.
I don't know. Been there, done that syndrome? Maybe. Maybe it's just that no one wants to remember horrible things. And things have been horrible for so long...and they aren't getting any better.
People talk about “hitting bottom” in regards to drugs. I've realized that is total bullshit. There is no bottom. There is just a bottomless black hole that keeps getting bigger and bigger. You appear to get stuck on the event horizon and everyone will see you falling into the hole forever. On the way down you may hit hard ground and think...this is it...never again. But you eventually bounce up and keep falling. The only way out is to accept your fate, and maybe that way you will stop hitting things. You'll just fall. Silently, effortlessly, peacefully.
I don't think things will ever be good again.
I'm just trying to make it through today. I can't plan for tomorrow if I can't make it through today.
4:23 PM - Saturday, Jun. 16, 2018
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------