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not used to driving

Just got back from a day trip to go check out a used RV for sale.

It was about an hour away. I forgot how the blufflands sneak up on you here. One minute you are in flat disgusting over farmed over dairy cowed land and literally the next minute you're heading down a hill and your ears are popping and all around you are huge cliffs covered in trees.

I didn't expect to see the Mississippi today, but the road we had to take literally ended there. The county road stopped and you had to go left or right, along the Mississippi. There were “water access” turn offs here and there, where if you wanted to kill yourself, you could just drive your car right into the fucking river. People live in tiny homes right on the flood plane of the riverbank. It's wild.

I've seen it all before, but I had forgotten. I've been stuck in this town for about a decade. I forgot there was a wide world out there of not-hereness. You stand on one side of this huge water, it could be the ocean, really, except way in the distance you see more bluffs and more trees and that's another state. And it just keeps on going.

Another bluff. Another river. Another flat shitland. Another bluff. Another river. Etc...

We stopped at this weird little park with a gazebo and sat looking at the Mississippi just feet in front of us for awhile. Saw a tugboat pushing a cargo barge. Staring at the huge bluffs around. All the trees. The rushing water. It's terrifying.

I am scared to death of large bodies of water. I always imagine myself drowning. Maybe I drowned to death in a past life. My husband found it calming, but I was freaked out. It was undeniably beautiful, but it's frightening as well.

So, that was a nice surprise for today. The RV was a piece of shit, but we'll find one, eventually. We need something to live in. Because living in my family home got taken away from me about as quickly as it was given.

I can't even mention what a shit shit week I've had. Double shit. That's how bad it has been. I never want to think of the things I've had to endure this week again, so there's no way in hell I am going to relive it by writing about it here or anywhere else.

My family are assholes. I miss my Dad. I feel like the universe has gone out of its way to prove to me that now that my Dad is gone, I am totally vulnerable and I will just keep getting screwed forever and ever until I die and no one will even hear me scream.

Should have driven into the fucking river.

5:24 PM - Saturday, May. 12, 2018

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