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better than a glue horse

I keep flitting from website to website looking for human interaction.

I know, it's ridiculous. But, that's the curse of modern life.

The people I am looking for do not exist. Not anymore. And it's been a very lonely few weeks.

I will never find those people again. I feel lost. I feel very alone. I feel vulnerable and paranoid.

I hide everything really well. Too well. Prey mentality. Even people living in my house with me are too concerned with their own swellings to notice my little problems.

I have become monthly sustaining members to a few charities. It's something I said I would do when I got my inheritance. Ten dollars a month to Farm Sanctuary. Ten dollars a month to Sea Shepherds. And I plan to donate to PETA, but probably just a one time donation. They are a little crazy, but they get the job done and they have personally helped me out on a local level.

I did this because my parents were very involved in charities. Mostly animal charities and some environmental ones.

Also, I have bought so many clothes, my closet can not fit them all. I don't know why I keep buying things. Because I can. Because I'm a clothes horse. Because I like the shoppers high. Because it's mostly harmless. Because it makes me feel better for about half an hour.

It's not a replacement for fill in the blank.

I think I need to unplug from the internet for some time. Just going around in bookmarked websites looking for people that no longer exist is just making me too sad.

And those that do exist, they aren't in my reality. And that makes me sad, too.

I bought a subscription to Witches and Pagans magazine and joined their online community, thinking it would help me reconnect with my spirituality, but that too, just makes me feel sad and lonely.

Everything I do makes me sad and lonely lately.

I went to the liquor store and bought 4 bottles of booze. Really. It's a thing that I did.

Am I planning for the sobriety apocalypse?

Self-destruct much, asshole?

1:58 PM - Friday, Apr. 13, 2018

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