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At first I thought it felt like everyone was speaking a different language from me. But, as I thought about it, I realized that's not exactly it.
I worked at a phone survey temp job once. A Mexican lady that worked there once got a lady originally from Spain on the phone and tried to do the survey in Spanish. Their dialects were so different, it was too hard to understand one another and the lady hung up on the survey taker.
That's how I feel. Like everyone around me is speaking a different dialect. Technically, we are speaking the same language. I can pretty much kinda sorta get the gist of what you are saying, but really, you aren't making any sense.
And it's too difficult to try and translate everything over in my mind, so I'm just going to give up.
Basically, I speak psychotic, and everyone else speaks whatever the fuck normal Americans speak.
I never was able to get a real diagnosis, but I know my paranoid schizophrenic husband with dissociative fugue personality disorder and I usually understand one another.
The only official diagnosis I ever got was "psychotic disorder not otherwise specified".
I got on the last guy's case about that. If I pressed him he'd say things like "schizoaffective" or "bipolar" or "schizophrenic" but he, and the lady before him, never made anything official. He said that maybe some people don't fit into the boxes of the DSM. I told him that maybe he didn't know what the fuck he was doing.
So, I am so crazy they don't even have a name for my level of fuckedupness yet?
I just finished "Bellevue Square" by Michael Redhill and let me say it was fucked. Capital F fucked. In a good way. Like a Bergman movie. It's probably one of my favorite of his novels to date. It's the first in a series of three books called “Modern Ghosts”, apparently. A triptych of novels. I can't wait until I can pre-order the next one.
But, I really am not sure if that book helped me feel any better about anything. Maybe it made me feel worse. Or, really, I think it made me feel less alone, which is always nice.
1:20 PM - Monday, Apr. 09, 2018
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