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who does this?
There's a loop outside my head and it just keeps going around in circles. Repetitive mindless hooey. There's a face in my face and all he can say is how my priorities are all messed up. Maybe he's right. I think I know why I can't separate physical and emotional love. I think I can't think straight. It's like a horror movie but it is real life. I keep having nightmares and I wonder why I wake up naked. Maybe it's time to buy some pajamas. It seems like a waste of money. It's what people with children have to do. I don't know the difference between right and wrong. Or maybe I'm just subject to a different standard. I feel the familiar pulls of hypomania tugging on my nerves like a loose sweater thread. How could it not after all the depression I've had to keep my head above for weeks. I actually bought some things from publishers clearing house because I had a dream that told me that they don't award sweepstakes to people that don't buy product. I bought some pens. Maybe I'll finally do some art. I've had to work full time hours at what was supposed to be a long time gone job. I get yelled at for doing what it takes to avoid being homeless. Who wants to live on the streets when it's 18 below zero at night? It's a death certificate waiting to happen. Might as well have stayed stranded at the Burger King in the middle of the night with my mom's ashes in my purse and a backpack full of live plants. Who does this? Maybe in another dimension or another life we are lovers. If I wrote out all the erotic lines I go over in my head I think they'd lock me up. Maybe I should so they can. I'd cut your chest open and drink your blood as it ran off your nipple so I could have power to fight the dragons if it made any sense. A live web-cam of famous haunted places set to distract from the absurdity of what could be called a life. Used to have a sticker on our van that read Kill Your TV. I had to listen to 24-7 straight of television for over a week. I started to hear the supraliminals. See the subliminals. How can someone exist at that volume for decades at a time? It's a heart attack waiting to happen. I am going to lose my entire immediate family to the medical industry. And probably most of my friends. I was going psychotic but not allowed to show it so now I'm just melting from the inside out. And to top it all off I am still sober. Can I get a merit badge in idealism? The roads and sidewalks are so encrusted with ice I've had to take taxi cabs. I hate vehicular transportation. It doesn't help my mental situation. I want to move to the desert and grow Agave for a living. My husband bought a ten pound bag of onions at the farmer's market. I want to throw the softball sized ones at people's heads as they walk by but I guess I will just eat them.
2:51 PM - Monday, Jan. 29, 2018
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