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randomness, multiplied

I was looking forward to a nice cool day, but they lied. It was supposed to be a high of 79 degrees today. It's already almost 85 at noon. Why do they lie to us about something that is so obvious?

I thought about that bottle of scotch at work that whole evening, and I knew it would be gone when I got to work the next morning. It was gone. I knew I had missed my chance to grab it out of the lost and found. So, what does that mean? It was a choice not to drink, even when it was free, even when it was one of my favorite drinks. Is there hope? Hope is a dangerous thing.

I hate men with man-buns. It's like they want to be able to have long hair only when it's in a hip, acceptable place. Otherwise it's like they are faking having short hair. I have never seen a man with a man-bun that wasn't a total fucking asshole.

I've lost all my comforts except being able to retreat inside my POS house. It may be falling apart around me, but it's all I have. It's horrible here. In this time and place, but it's all I have left. Being able to pull all the curtains, turn on the AC, sit in the dark and the cool and pretend there is nothing that can hurt me. You didn't hurt me. Nothing can stop me now.

Just seeing all the new crap NIN has been putting out is depressing. Hesitation Marks sounds like shit on LP compared to CD. A CD fell out of the LP when we were drunk last time listening to it. I have no idea how long it had been in there, but we've heard that LP many, many times now. It was weird. Part of why I decided I need to stop drinking. I've been too unaware, too sedated for way too long.

But NIN has put out two EPs in the past few months. I haven't had any money to buy either of them, and I sure as fuck am not buying them on LP. Trent Reznor is not an analog musician, no matter how much he pretends to be. He doesn't record for vinyl. His vinyl usually sounds like shit compared to the digital alternative.

Shiloh chewed up OhGr's "Sunnypsyop". One of my favorite CDs ever. The CD is ok, but the case is not, and I don't know why she did this. She's usually such a good little kitty. We moved all the digipacks up in the CD rack so she wouldn't be able to get to them. But, WTF, cat? We pre-bought the new OhGr, but have to wait until October to get it. He'll be in the cities in September with KMFDM, but I don't think we will go. Kevin Ogivile doesn't give his all to the Midwest. He is just another California snob. Well, he is now. I like, even love, his music but I know it would be nothing without Mark Walk, and Mr. Walk doesn't tour with OhGr.

It's sad all these people I looked up to since I was 14, now I am seeing nothing but faults. We're all getting older.

I turned 40 recently. Forty years. Four decades. That's 40 summers my friend, and I've survived them all.

Fuck yeah.

Got $100 from my mom and dad. At least they still love me. I bought underwear, which I've needed for about six months. I've always spent any extra money we had on booze. Yeah, it's pathetic. I know it. Another reason why I'm taking a hiatus from the liquor.

Also bought mushroom plugs, Oyster and Chicken of the Woods. Growing them on a huge willow branch that a storm broke off our tree earlier in the year. Hoping they will grow and we'll get gourmet mushrooms for years to come.

Also a lamp. 'Cuz I sit around in the dark too much. I know this. It needs to change.

And a new filtered showerhead, because our water quality is so horrible, our old one split open! It's been spraying water all over the place. Messy. We had a PUR filter do this years ago. Our water is better only to Flint, MI.

And finally, guitar strings for the acoustic/ electric bass and the classical guitar. I plan on practicing until my fingers bleed. I need to do something creative, and painting and writing just ain't happenin' man. I don't know why I stopped making music. I don't know why I stopped listening to music, either.

Things are gonna change, I can feel it.

I wish I could go back in time and bask the grainy simplicity that was the 1970s. Watching too many episodes of “The Rockford Files”.

Nostalgia for something you never had is a cavity for the soul.

But, I've never had a cavity in my teeth. I don't even have adult teeth. I still have my baby teeth. It's a birth defect that runs in my family. My oldest brother has it too. It makes it a real bitch to try and chew my food sometimes, and it makes me self-conscious because I am ugly freak show of a person, but I've never had a cavity, and I'll never have to deal with wisdom teeth.

Life's just a gamble from the moment we're born.

12:24 PM - Sunday, Jul. 16, 2017

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