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the fact of it is that I am not doing so well myself
I am trying hard today to break some bad habits. I am trying, but it's breaking me down. Getting out of the normal routine is making me feel weird.
I had this week off work, which is great, but it doesn't help with the odd feelings. At 5PM on Saturday evening it felt like 9 PM on Tuesday night.
Trying to be acutely aware of my situations. And more importantly, my reactions to my situations. Trying to cut back on sugar and caffeine and alcohol. Saying NO is the hardest thing, when the person I am saying NO to is myself.
Coming off antibiotics for the first time in 20 years isn't helping matters. Just glad to be off them. Only now I don't know what normal feels like. Am I cured? Did they not work at all? Is this how I am going to feel for the rest of my life. Off and on. And on. And on.
I have cut back on how often I visit Facebook. I go on there looking for contact from my family, and there never ever is any. I don't know why my family is so cold and so distant. I don't even remember the last visit I made to my family, but I do remember I said I was never going to visit them again.
My grandma D used to throw family reunions every 5 years or so. She and her sister really kept the family together. Now they are both gone, and I don't even feel like I have a family most of the time. I wish someone would step up and throw a family reunion. Maybe that should be me. I wonder if I could organize something like that, if anyone would even come on down? I wouldn't recognize most of the people there. All the old people in my family that I knew are dead, and most of the young ones I have never met, or I saw when they were a year old or younger. My mom and dad are the old people now. I'm one of the old people now.
Not complaining that I'm not dead yet. Just sad. Been very very sad.
Been severely depressed for about 9 weeks now. And trying to change all the bad habits in my life is making me more sad and anxious and lonely. I thought living well was supposed to be good for you.
I looked up my old Muse and he and he is moving to Florida. Look how this shit has taken a sharp turn onto a bad old road.
5:59 PM - Saturday, Nov. 26, 2016
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