-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Winds! Winds!

I can see why that lame shrink tried to put that Bipolar label on me. I can be slightly manic at times. Not eating much. Doing tons of physical activity with little nutrition. Staying up late. Getting up early. And shopping when I can't afford it. Compulsive shopping. Having a shopping seizure. From 2014-2015 I have bought a ton of shit. Mostly kitchenwear, powertools for my husband, and clothes. Fucking internet.

I need a sock intervention.

I must stop buying socks. Honestly. Sockdreams.com has taken away any chance I might have for a retirement.

I have an entire drawer filled with socks. All kinds of socks. And when I say drawer I mean filing cabinet drawer, since that's what I use for a dresser. That's a big, deep drawer. My favorites are the short summer socks that have swear words on them like: "Fuck this shit". And the big tall thigh high sweater socks that look hand knitted and make it so I can prolong the wearing of skirts into the winter.

Because I hate pants. Hate 'em. I only wear jeans when I am doing serious yard work or when it's like 20 below outside and I have to go to the co-op. Usually once I get home, I change into a skirt and long socks or leggings.

And this past year, I have bought a ton of clothes too. Once we decided we were going to file for bankruptcy, I just lost it. Went nuts and started going to thrift stores all the time. And then I found womanwithin.com and found clothes that actually fit me and didn't cost any more money than used clothes from Savers.

So, now I have more clothes than I have ever had. One of the benefits of working a shit job where they make you wear a uniform, is that otherwise, when I am not there (4 days a week) I can wear whatever I want.

I used to have hardly any clothes. We were so poor I wore the same 4 things day in and day out. Had to buy the cheapest socks I could find, which were usually white athletic socks. Then my husband got a job and started making decent money. What he didn't spend on meth I spent on bills. Still no money for anything besides basic survival. And meth. (I never did meth. Never will. You don't even want to see me on coffee. I would probably get arrested right away if I ever did meth.).

So I can see why I have so many socks. And clothes. (But only 3 pairs of jeans, and one of them is for work). It's nice to have something nice. And people really do judge you by how you look. Not that how I choose to dress helps that. I still look like an unmedicated psychopath. It's because I am.

One thing I can take away from this life is this: if I deny myself something for too long, eventually I will swing around and do that thing to excess. Maybe that's just part of my Bipolarness. Binge to purge. Consume to Defecate. Create to Destroy.

I never used to drink. Called myself a “preventative alcoholic”. People laughed at me. Thought I was a real loser for not drinking. Only recovering boozers and straight edge religious types don't drink. Most of my family has died from disease brought on by too much booze and/ or drugs. I knew there was that inherited gene for addiction in my family. And I am obsessive. And compulsive. And that's not good when you add booze too. Then I started drinking. I can't remember why. Things got bad. Really bad. I gave up, I think. Being totally aware and dealing with some crazy shit that most people never have to experience was finally too much.

So I started drinking. And I haven't stopped yet. I've cut back a lot. But still sometimes when I start, I don't stop until the bottle is gone. And when I wake up and don't remember how I got into bed. And something I care about is broken. And I feel like part of my soul has flown out a new hole in my brain.

And filling those holes with socks or comfortable t-shirts isn't going to help.

But it does help for a little while. They tell me it won't help. But it does. It's a comfort to be comfortable.

I have no furniture to speak of. I have no car. No smartphone. No television.

And OMG TV. We didn't have TV at all for about ten years. And now we watch TV shows on the computer All. The. Time. It's turning my brain to mushy mush. Everything I think or say is a regurge of a pop culture reference. It's so relaxing to get totally buzzed and watch Colombo or My Name is Earl or Six Feet Under and ignore the fucked-up-ness that is the world outside.

Ignore the pesticides and crime and children of the corn syrup playing outside the window. The smog and construction and anti-vegan propaganda that makes me want to get out my folding machete and start lobbing off heads. Off with their head! And put them on poles in my yard with a sign that reads: “Get off my land!”

And this is how my “mental illness” is presenting itself today. Making sun tea today. Sugar for lunch. And then a sensible dinner.

3:03 PM - Wednesday, Aug. 26, 2015

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

random entry