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Been going on facebook. I finally broke down and got an account awhile back because it's the only way my family communicates anymore. If I didn't have fb I wouldn't have known that my Grandma died in May. Still bitter about that.
What kind of dysfunction is it that someone can not write a letter, an email, or pick up a telephone, but they can send a message or post through a public gossip forum?
Of course people I knew from my past found me out. For a while I was "friends" with my BF in middle school. That lasted for a few months until I couldn't stand her annoying spammy posts about Jesus and her nasty photos of BBQ.
Now I am "friends" with my old gang from high school. I still like them, I guess, even though I haven't seen them in probably 10 years. They seem to still be themselves, just older and fatter or thinner, depending on the person.
But, it's really depressing to me. FB does not help me feel connected, or part of a group or even part of society.
My old friends talk about celebrities I have never heard of, TV shows, brands of things, current events, etc. They all have college degrees and cars and kindles and smart phones and go to gyms to exercise. I don't, and I don't know what to say to them most of the time except "I don't get where you are coming from." Hearing about their lives just makes me feel even more like a freak. Like everyone has gotten on the bus but I just bought a new pair of shoes and I really need to break them in, so I will just catch up at the first rest stop. I think part of "it" is being raised by hardcore hippies and not "normal" people.
All my dad does is post horrible liberal and alternative news stories to fb. All day. Every day. It's his hobby, and I realize this. He's of the generation that thought and still thinks that if you take something public, something that most people would be horrified about, it will incite some sort of change. But, it's extremely hard for me to see these posts all day. Every day. Stories of cops going crazy and shooting innocent park visitors or all the big oil companies not having to pay tax or a huge percentage of Greenland having melted this year or that rivers are boiling fish alive from the record heat or any of that shit. I don't feel I can incite any sort of change, except within myself and my own reality.
I haven't had TV reception or subscribed to a paper in 14 years simply because I can not handle all the negativity. Has anyone else noticed that good news is not news? Hearing about all the horrible things that happen just makes my anxiety and depression worse. But here my dad is, posting this shit non-stop. It's not healthy. Not for me, and honestly, I don't think for him either.
And then, there's the bullshit. I got really angry once because our neighbor that I call Mr. McGregor was bitching about our "unruly" yard and saying how the new neighbors kept their grass so nice and trimmed. Well I made the mistake of actually putting my feelings into words and then sharing those words with my so-called friends and family. All I got was bullshit on how I shouldn't be so negative, shouldn't use "profanity" and should find better ways to express myself.
I HATE how it's OK to express yourself as long as it's commercially acceptable G-rated pink bunny rabbit Jesus loves you love thy neighbor romanticized garbage. "They" all say you shouldn't push your feelings down, but how can you get them out if you have to constantly be censoring yourself?
Someone posted on fb recently that one should strive to get rid of all darkness and negativity within oneself. This is ridiculous and impossible. You. Can. Not. Lose. Your. Darkness.
Even a first year Jungian psycho-therapist would tell you that you have to own your shadow. If you deny that part of you, you allow it to have the opportunity to take over.
Maybe this is "it". This is why I feel so separated and segregated from my "friends" and family. They try to keep their shadow in a choke-hold and make it drink bleach, while I am inviting mine over for tea and dark chocolate scones on a regular basis.
Anyway, those new neighbors with the trimmed yard moved out. Now the grass is literally 4 or in some spots 5 feet tall. I hope Mr. McGregor has a heart attack over it. Fucker.
7:03 PM - Tuesday, Aug. 28, 2012
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