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super special curly fries

There's nothing I can do about it now.

I just have to throw myself into my own life, and live it.

Doing things like mowing the lawn, fixing up the house, cooking real food. The day to day mundane bullshit that constitutes being alive. How much of a percentage of life do they say you spend in the bathroom? Poop poop poop in a bucket and brush your little baby teeth in the basin right next to it.

I thought I had to be at work today. Woke up at 4 something in the morning freaking out because the little red light that indicates the alarm is on was off. Then I remembered it's Tuesday and I don't have to be at work for another 2 days.

On days I do work, I usually wake up every 2-3 hours all night to check the alarm. One of the worst parts of my OCD. I can't figure out what it is that makes me do it. I do hate the sound of my alarm, but I've tried switching alarms and it didn't help. I've tried turning the clock around so I can't see it. I've tried sleeping pills but no, nothing works. Until I can figure out what it is about time that fucking sucks then I'm just fucked.

Read in the National Geographic that awhile back the river currents moved slower so the earth rotated slower and so a day wasn't a really a day. Time is an abstract construct forced upon us by...the credit card companies? Jesus? Big Tobacco?

I have been waiting for help for a really long time. I know in my heart of hearts that I'm not the kind of person who gets help ever, but still, I was always a hopeless optimist deep down.

I now realize that help ain't a-comin' and if I want it done. Whatever IT may be. It's up to me.

10:55 AM - Tuesday, Jul. 17, 2012

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