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tax time

Smoked my last cigarette on Sunday. Had a headache off and on ever since. I really don't want to quit, but there is no choice. You can't import them, can't buy them, and we have no money. I'm looking forward to being able to taste my food differently, feeling the buds my tongue again. Never meant to get addicted. If it was just me, I could have handled it, but once my husband started smoking too, well, he just drags me down that dark tunnel with him. It's hard to say no, and it's more fun to self-destruct with someone by your side than doing it alone.

Been primering, painting upstairs. There are demons up there, in every corner. Tucked into the bad feng shui of the hallway. I used to have a name for that hallway, now I can't remember. Everything seemed to collect there. Books and backpacks and shopping bags. It's where seizures occured and fights broke out and no matter how many lights we had on in the house it was always dark. I prefer open floor plans. I will be glad when we are done up there and I won't have to think about it any more.

It's a dark time, I think, but I sing every day and do yoga every day and take my 5-htp at night and I'm keeping the depression away somehow. Life is pain, and I used to pride myself on being able to handle it no matter what but lately I've just been ignoring it like everyone else. Liquid ignorance is a cowards excuse and it's not me.

But, how am i not myself?

1:07 PM - Tuesday, Apr. 06, 2010

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