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death hurts but soon you'll see it works
Sometimes I wish I could change what I was thinking about. At my last shrink appointment, where she told me I had some variety of OCD, she told me it was not uncommon for people with my problem to have �intrusive thoughts.� Thinking a phrase over and over and over again. For years. Getting stuck on repeat. I�ve had a nursery rhyme going through my mind for several years now, and it�s just now, slowly, starting to fade. Shrink lady told me not too think too much about them, they didn�t mean anything. But, I think, why that rhyme, why not another one. I analyze it, try to figure out what my subconscious is trying to tell me. I know. It�s not pretty. Shrink lady was a fluff shrink lady. She had absolutely no empathy. She had no idea where I was coming from. None of the shrinks I�ve seen have. No one I know, knows where I am coming from, either.
On my way to work yesterday, that sweet kid Jered pulled up next to me, on the way to go mow lawns like he does every Sunday in the summer. He just slowed down and stared at me and when he turned the corner he stopped, so I stopped, because it was a little threatening, and then he kept going. Not sure if he was going to offer me a ride to work or what but it was disturbing. Not a wave or a rolled down window and a hello, just a straight out stalker moment. He was a sweet kid, then he got involved in cocaine and too much alcohol and he knew who spray painted our house but he didn�t do anything for us. I realize now how much that really fucked me up, that whole spray paint on the house incident. It made me realize that I can�t trust anyone, ever. I�ve always leaned toward that, but now I really know. I don�t think I will ever form a close relationship with anyone ever again, because I know it�s just a matter of time before they stab me in the back. I guess the pain of that betrayal isn�t worth the rewards of trust. It still makes me sad how this kid really fucked up his life. I�m so sick of all these potentially great people just fucking everything away for some temporary good times.
I have realized recently too that I will probably outlive everyone I know. I�m the baby in the family, so all my relatives will be gone before me. Sadly, I don�t think they�ll be around more than a few more years. Any of them. Grandparents, parents, brothers. They are all so sick, it�s like one will go, and I can just visualize it being a non-stop cascade of funerals for years and years until it�s just me. And my husband, he�s not going to live as long as me, probably, considering all the shit he�s put into his system and his seizures and his general ill-health. I�m getting a little afraid, because no matter how much I hate everyone, I�m still scared, at the core of things, to truly be alone. Really and completely alone. No one will be there for my funeral, and before that, I foresee many long empty years. Maybe I�m wrong. Who knows the future. Maybe I will have money and go travel and meet people, or at the very least surround myself with meaningless strangers at restaurants or in crowded places. Or animals. I will get a lot of animals. They really do help you feel loved and needed. Usually more so than most people do.
And this journal. Part of it is so comforting because I know no one hardly reads it. I can write whatever I what. Part of it is so sad because I feel like I am shouting into the void and getting nothing back. Not even an echo.
Guess I'm not sure what to do with myself.
2:22 PM - Monday, Aug. 03, 2009
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