-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

in memorandum

So, my middle brother visited my family back in Iowa, and brought his 2 daughters, his grandson, and his dog, but I didn't hear about it until he was already on the road. I don't remember the last time my entire immediate family were together at the same time. Perhaps my high school graduation party in 1995.

Obviously, I don't even merit an after-thought, let alone forethought. No one bothered to tell me there was a little family reunion going on. I am basically not part of that family.

I saw many nice photos he took, hanging out with my other brothers, my mom and dad. Visiting downtown. Nice. Looked nice. Guess he thought me being there would have ruined his pretty little photos.

I've been sending b-day cards, holiday cards, emails just to say hi, even presents for many many years to everyone in my immediate family.

Nothing. No response. Not from my brothers. My brothers act like I don't exist.

So, I've devised a new plan.

I'm just going to stop.

Stop caring.

Stop pretending I have a relationship with any of these people.

This is kind of new for me. Usually I'm the one writing people off. I don't have much direct experience with trying to make a relationship work, and not having the other person try just as hard. I guess that makes me lucky. I know it takes two people to have a relationship. Any kind of one. If one person is doing all the work, and it's obvious the other person doesn't care at all, that relationship dies. I've seen it happen to lots of people.

My relationship with my brothers is now dead, I guess.

I could be dead, for real, and no one would even know. My dad would only write to ask me if I was OK when I didn't post on Facebook in a few weeks.

I'm just going to stop pretending I have a family for support. I don't. Even if I called them crying or bleeding my eyes out, they would just act put out anyway. Then hang up and go about their shit lives as if nothing ever happened.

I am thinking about calling them all a day before their birthdays and giving them the score. I obviously don't rate, so what the fuck do I care if they get upset. I can hang up any time.

Fuck them. I don't need more reasons to get depressed and/ or angry. But it sure sounds like fun to throw it all in their face before I disappear for good.

Just because someone is blood, it doesn't make them family. (Thanks for saying, Dean Winchester.)

My family is a bunch of cold blooded black hearted cynical mentally ill motherfuckers anyway. I can do better.

I sure as fuck deserve better.

4:47 PM - Monday, May. 29, 2017

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

random entry